This is the complaint I handed in to the BPC against H.
Verbatim of the sessions in questions can be found HERE.
Points of the Code of Ethics I feel have been
breached:
1, 2, 7, 8, 14,
I have tried to resolve this psychotherapy
experience with H without having to involve the BPC and have asked her numerous
times to talk about what was happening. There are also digital recordings of
the last few sessions which show that I wanted to understand and resolve what
was happening.
I have also asked H for mediation, something she
had suggested herself months before the breakdown but shortly after withdrew
telling me she preferred if we worked through this alone. Her reply to my need for
mediation was “mediation is not an option”.
After being denied mediation I contacted senior
analysts in order to save my therapy and find out what was happening to H and
myself (I never mentioned H’ name to anyone other than Ms S). Ms S offered H to call or email her. H’ reply to this was “blooming S!”
Nothing else was mentioned so I am not sure if she ever got in touch with her.
I am still unsure what exactly happened that caused
the breakdown and H’ inability to continue working with me.
My therapy with H started the middle of 2007 and
ended in March 2012. In this time I saw H twice weekly at first and then thrice
weekly. My complaint is about the last few weeks leading up to the breakdown of
my therapy.
I am a newly qualified counsellor but was in
training at the time I saw H; something H was aware of. I had been seeing
clients for a while when I decided to talk to her about my training. H
immediately told me I “wasn’t ready to see clients yet”. When I felt unable to
continue speaking about my training after this, she told me I must continue
speaking to her about my clients as she was now my “training analyst”.
I felt very uncontained by H’ sudden change in
behaviour and tone which triggered my dissociation. I ended up in front of H’
house that day in the hope to restore the trust that I felt had been destroyed.
I was in great distress and pain at the time and it was a deeply humiliating
and shameful event.
I continued to go to the sessions after this
incident but weeks later, in group supervision, colleague L told the group that
her therapist H (L was aware that H was also my therapist. H was aware that L
and I were part of the same supervision group as she was a supervisor for the
same organisation) had sent her away when she was supposed to have had her
therapy session. She then mentioned that she had been sent away due to another
female client and shared with the group details about that particular situation
only H (and I ) knew. When asked by the group how she knew these specific
details, she replied that H had phoned her afterwards and had told her.
I told H what had happened in supervision and
shared how afraid I was that L now knew this client was me. H responded that I
had upset L. I felt deeply ashamed and apologised.
I asked H: What if L had stayed behind that day
(she only lives a few minutes walking distance from H’ house) and L had seen me
leave and therefore knew that the woman H had mentioned was me? H said nothing.
From that time on L kept coming up to me at my
placement asking me many questions about my therapy with H (something she had
not done up to that point) and told me I should not misbehave now that I am a
counsellor.
I became increasingly worried about those comments
but H did not respond to my concerns about my confidentiality instead she
became very silent and detached and withdrew all support she had offered me
throughout the therapy. For example H had:
· Given me her mobile number while she was away on
holiday (this was H’ idea and I never used it).
30/09/2011
Dear X
Here is my number......xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I will see you on the 12th, and I will not forget
about you.
Stay as safe as you can, and use the hands to
remember that we are still in touch, the tree to keep the feelings safe, and
the arms to hold the frightened feelings when they come.
H
· Welcomed and encouraged email contact between
sessions. At first she would reply to emails, later on she changed her mind and
told me to keep writing the emails as they were important but that she would no
longer reply to them as her replies “put me into crisis”. Later on she started
to reply to them sporadically even initiating email conversations herself. At
no point did H suggest to stop email contact.
· Emailed me when she was at home, back from her
breaks.
24/09/2011
[…]
I am here now this evening, and although I will be
out tomorrow, I will be back in the evening, and I do not forget you.
H
25/11/2011
I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you called. I have
come back too late to speak with you tonight, and hope you are safe. It is so
hard to feel alone , but I don’t forget you , and we will see each other again
on Monday.
H
· Emailed me while on holiday
19/08/2010
Hello
I hope you are ok and that there has not been too
much disturbance, as I know this is a long break and it can be difficult.
Even though we have not been meeting I haven't
forgotten, and I look forward to seeing you on Sept 1st.
H
· Suggested phoning her between sessions.
28/07/2008
Dear X
I am sorry that you did not come to your session
today. […] I do hope you will come on Thursday so we can talk together. If you
would like to speak with me before then, you can phone me, and if you get my
answerphone I'll call you back.
28/02/2010
Dear X
I forgot to say that if you would like to speak
with me, I will be here for most of the day. If I am not, I will call you back
as soon as I can.
H
21/05/2011
Dear X
[…]
I will be in this evening at about 9pm and you can
phone me, and I will be here on Sunday from about 6pm.
H
21/06/2011
Dear X
(…) I am here and if you would like to speak with
me you can phone me. If you get my answerphone I will call you back. I shall be
out for a short time this evening, but will be back by 9.30.
H
11/06/2011
I have only just read your message from yesterday,
but wanted you to know that I am here now and that I can see your picture and
would like the little girl and all the little ones to stay safe. I am sorry I
wasn't here earlier to say this.
H
14/07/2011
[…] I am here, and you can phone me if you need to.
[…]
H
23/08/2011
[…] I will be able to talk between 6.30 and 7.30 or
after 9.40 this evening.
H
· Offered Skype contact while I was on holiday, which
was her idea and I declined.
I am not complaining about the support H offered
but about the sudden withdrawal of all support. H withdrew all of the above
just before she went on holiday but suggested I phone her the evening before
she went on holiday. When we spoke on the phone that evening I asked H why she
had taken all support away just before she was leaving which lead to an
argument and H put the phone down. Later that evening I received an email from H
who had scanned pictures out of the children’s book “Nothing” (a book she had
brought into therapy sessions before to read) and had attached those to this
email:
Dear X
I thought that these pictures would help to remember, and maybe a
little comfort for the little ones who enjoyed the story.
I will be thinking of you, and we can meet again on Tuesday Feb 14th at
1.15, instead of our Monday session.
I know this is so hard for you and feels so frightening, but I will be
back and I don’t forget you. You have done nothing wrong, and are not bad in
any way. am not going away because I want to leave you.
H
I have to mention that H would usually email me
whenever she got home from any long or short breaks to soothe the “little ones”
(child alters). This is how she worked with me for years. She would also let me
know when she was not going to be at home over the weekends and when she came
back. This is something H suggested doing, and although it was very important
to me and worked well and I am not complaining about this, I had never asked
for this.
Some examples:
01/04/2010
Hello
I am writing to let you know about my break. I know
you have the dates already, but these breaks can stir up very disturbing
feelings, so in case you needed to contact me I am letting you know when I
shall be here.
I shall be away for Tuesday and Wednesday nights,
and here for the rest, although I shall be out sometimes during the days, and
if you leave a message I will reply as soon as I can.
It is really important that you stay safe, and I
will be back at the usual times on Monday 12th.
H
26/03/2010
It is very frightening to feel so alone, and the
week end is particularly difficult. It was very brave of you to phone me last
time and I am very sorry I wasn't here. I shall be out during this week end but
will be back each evening. (….)
16/07/2011
I am sorry that I have to leave you when you are
having to cope with such terrible feelings. I have come back now and although
tomorrow I must go out again, I will be back later and will see you on Monday.
H
After discovering H had been home 2 days early from
her break it put me into turmoil and parts of me didn’t understand why she
hadn’t got in touch with me like she had done all those years before. I called
her in a desperate place but she ignored my call instead she emailed me and
told me that she will see me next session. The next session H seemed very angry
and told me if I ever phoned or emailed her again the therapy would be over.
When I asked her why she withdrew all support just
before she went on holiday she replied “You are a counsellor now, you can get
your own helplines.”
I became more and more suicidal after each session
and my friend Ms B (a colleague), who helped me through this difficult time,
suggested I tape my sessions with H as she felt very concerned that it was
becoming abusive of me.
I wanted to honour H’ request and not contact her
between sessions which was difficult due to having different parts that can act
autonomously (which H knew about and had worked with for the last 4 years).
I felt very frightened of losing her and tried hard
to talk to H in the session about my feelings around her break and finding out
about her being home early. However, whenever I mentioned any feelings around
this, whenever I told her that I needed her help in rebuilding the trust,
whenever I mentioned any confusion around any past events regarding my training
and the confidentiality break, she cut me short and told me if I carried on
talking about this “the therapy would be over”. I told her that a “bad thing”
was happening here, she replied “And there are more to come!” I continued to
try to express my difficulties around trusting her which was met by H telling
me to look for another therapist as she “will (lie) do it again”.
H continued to ask that I speak of my feelings in
the session not via email or phone otherwise my therapy with her would
be over yet when I wanted to talk about my feelings in the session H told me
that if I did not stop talking about this and “concentrate on the present” my
therapy would end. I was in a double bind and had no outlet for my feelings and
concerns so I decided to write her a letter instead and hand it to her in the
session on the 22nd of Feb 2012.
Dear H
I feel so grateful for what you have done. Telling me I am no longer
allowed to get in touch with you in between sessions had an amazing impact on
me and I now feel free. I feel so happy and grateful and am now able to move on
with my life. When I was with you I felt so depressed and hopeless and scared.
Terrified. But since you have taken away the emails and telephone contact I
have realised that I no longer need you. I feel so happy and relieved and free.
I have decided to finish my training with one weekly sessions, I would like to
keep the Monday session if that is OK with you, and when I have finished my
training [my son] will also have finished his GCSE's. We will then sell the
house and move to Dubai. Away from here. I am so so happy about this and cant
wait to get back to ZX. We have been apart for too long. We are planning on
buying a place there and building our life in Dubai. I really want to thank you
for what you have done. I feel extremely grateful for what you have done. You
must have known that this would help me snap out of whatever horrible place I
was in. I am finally feeling hopeful again, after years of hopelessness and
misery I am feeling alive and happy. I look into the future and I feel joy and
am so excited. I am sorry that it had to come to this, that you were so affected
by my past. I am truly sorry that it had to happen this way but I am free now,
ready to move on and away. I no longer feel attached to England, I have always
felt it was where I belonged but it isnt. I belong with ZX. I hope that we can
work towards an ending now and by the time I have finished my training I will
be leaving therapy too.
I would like to start my once weekly sessions next week. Thank you for
everything and thank you so so much for pushing me away. It helped me so much.
I am finally happy and free.
I feel this letter reflects the fear generated by H’ actions. I was
pushed into one part of myself where I had to cut off everything else. And she
was absolutely unable to see and understand the hopeless place underneath the
‘happiness’ which was the defence against the despair.
H read the letter and told me “it is full of
complete sarcasm. It is completely sarcastic. This is not written to
communicate. It’s sarcastic. It is not expressing your feelings.” When I asked H
if she thought about the impact her words may have on me, she replied “Your
question doesn’t deserve an answer.” By this time it felt like H had completely
turned and was incapable of finding any empathy for me.
Being in this double bind, not being allowed to
voice my feelings even within the session, as well as being threatened with the
end of my therapy (losing H) I had a breakdown and contacted H the following
weekend for help:
You asked what I was trying to tell you today... I think I was trying to
tell you about the death. The death of my therapy, the death of the holding
space, the safe space. The womb. the death of baby me that has prematurely been
ripped out. The death of the nurturing umbilical cord between us that has been
severed. ripped out and is now lying on the floor next to the baby. And the
death of the baby and her innocence. You are standing next to her, the little
bloody pile of flesh, only just started to grow a head... no arms yet to reach
out...but they would have grown next... but not anymore. those arms will never
grow. Blood dripping out of you you stare at the thing you have aborted from
your womb. Disgusting horrible thing that caused you so much misery. You look
at it with abhorrence and indignation and as it tries to lift up its
head. It is dying and your eyes say "die."
There has been a death, yes. The death of you and the death of me. But
most importantly the death of a new beginning, of a new way. The death of a new
part that would have known Love and caring boundaries. A baby, child and
adult who would have grown inside of your room, attached to you and your Love,
She wanted to grow, I wanted her to grow. There was a time when you wanted her
to grow too.... I know you did. Why have you ripped her out H? Why have you
severed the cord? I am without life again. I live in a world of nothingness.
This little baby was our hope to feel and see this world differently. To
experience something different.
It is not boundaries that have destroyed this safe and holding place, it
was the way you have done it. And the way this huge and painful rupture has
been ignored afterwards. Perhaps you feel that you are not ignoring it and it
is me who is ignoring it and you are right that you have indeed mentioned the
loss of emails and phonecalls today but how can I talk to you about this when
you cannot meet me half way? I know you have convinced yourself that you have
done everything right. You havent H. I needed to do this healing my way, and
you were OK with this at first. That is why others were showing themselves to
you. It was because of your work with us that we were able to show ourselves. I
feel that this became too painful for you or too much in some way, which I
totally understand and feel deep compassion for you, that you needed space from
this pain and darkness. And of course, those "boundaries", not being
allowed to phone you or email you will give you that space. I feel very sad,
very hurt that you have forgotten about us in your haste to get yourself back to
a healthy equilibrium. I wonder if you sometimes wonder about what happens to
us in-between sessions now, especially weekends. I wonder if you care if
something does happen to us. I wonder where the care for us that you talked
about and showed before has gone, and of course I wonder if it was at all real
if it is now so easy for you to abandon us without any further support. You
know that we are many yet it feels like you expect us to behave like we are one
now. You know that there are some who will phone you especially the little
ones. How deeply traumatised they will be, it hurts me heart I cant bear
thinking about it. All those things I wanted to talk to you about, but I feel
my hands are tight because whenever I mention a hurt that has been caused by your
actions you tell me how I have a long list of your failings. I dont tell you
these things to have a go at you H, I am telling you about my hurt. I am
telling you how much I am hurting. yes... your actions have been the trigger of
that hurt, but this deep deep hurt that I am feeling was born when I was a baby
and child. Yes you have triggered it in me but it is very old hurt. And I wish
you could hear me, help me. Help me deal with such hurt. The hurt I am feeling
is too much for me. I can no longer manage it and I want to kill myself.
I feel there is no other way out for me. I wish more than anything to stay with
you and work this through but what has happened to me in the last 2-3 weeks was
unbearable. H, please hear me. It was unbearable. To the point where I had to
create a new part. I also had to talk to XY about it who I had been in touch
with a couple of month before all this happened. She took it to her therapist
and both of them tried to hold me and contain me in my shock and despair. You
see, you probably had your friends and or supervision, your own therapy or
colleagues you could talk to about this but in your mind I had no one. Not even
XY. No one. In your mind I was alone with this. More than anything I want to
trust you but how can I when it was and still is OK for you for us to be alone
with the pain and terror between sessions. Please help me build up the trust
again. I want to. But I need your help. I dont think I could have managed
without XY and her therapist. I am not saying this to you to list this as a
failure of yours. I understand why you did it.But I need you to understand how
horrific and traumatic your actions and withdrawal have been for the inside
world.
I find it impossible, and it never even entered my head, to ask for my
boundaries also, but when XY therapist talked about me having boundaries in
place to protect myself also, I realised that I just let people do what they
like with me and the only way to protect myself is to run away. I want to change
that but am unable to tell you this in person. I am also unable to come to the
next session after I have send this off to you if you dont write back to me and
tell me that you will be safe. This is not me trying to manipulate you H,
please believe me, i am terrified I am just trying to keep myself safe. I am
horrified of you at the moment because of what you have done the last few
weeks, but this can be repaired. If you will meet me half way. For me to be
able to do this work, work with my detached parts, I need to feel safe enough
to let them speak. I dont feel safe enough right now because there is no
support in between sessions when terrible stuff comes up for them in the
session and they dont have anyone to sooth them or help them. And I cannot do it
alone H. I need your help. I need you to help me with this. I thought we were
in this together... I hoped so much that you might be able to see what has
happened the last couple of weeks but even though you are kind to us in the
session, and gentle I get the sense that you dont even remember what happened
the last few weeks. How you have shouted at me, the threats, the sarcasm and
coldness in your voice. It was horrific. Horrific. I dont have a word for the
torture that I experienced in those sessions. I want to work through this and I
know that you are not bad. I know that there are things going on for you right
now ... things we have done and things others have done in the outside world
that worry you. And I believe you when you say you need to put in those
boundaries to preserve the therapy, but all I am asking of you H is to think
about how this is for me and what you have done to the safe womb that was your
room. The safe holding that enabled us to come and talk to you, in session, via
telephone and emails. It has silenced us. We are bad. Bad. So bad that not even
H wants to be with us, not even a psychoanalyst can stay with us and our pain.
Not even someone who has been through pain and humiliation in therapy
themselves can keep in mind our pain and humiliation. And shame ... the
absolute shame of having been given something good [phone calls emails, a
lifeline] and then have it ripped away so violently and with such a thread. It
fragmented us.
I feel so hopeless and in a way this is my last attempt after having
scratched the bit of energy i have left together to get you back, back to how
you used to be... it worked this way H. we were doing the work this WAS
the work. We were doing it...and it got painful and messy and unbearbale. but
that is how it was for me as a child... please don’t leave me in this pain. I
think I got a sense of you feeling hopeless too. Believing that no matter what
you do for me, no matter how kind, it wont help me. It does help me H. It does.
It sticks with me. It will take a long time but it is not in vain, your
kindness has helped us trust you. this trust scared some of course, of course.
It is scary, very scary, and it brought out the ones who dont want the relationships
to last but remember when you told me about your cold front? You told me that
in a way it is those who are close to you who experience the cold front. And I
think the same is going on with us. The ones who are getting close to us, the
ones who do actually matter to us, experience the full force of our fear and
despair and pain. Often expressed in rage or sadness or hopelessness or
uselessness. But we need you. We needed you so much the last few weeks but you
left us, ripped the cord out of you and now you are standing there, staring at
the pathetic puddle of fleshy blood on the floor. Flesh that looks like it is
nothing but a bloody pile of spoilage but we are alive. we have feelings and we
are hurting so much that we can no longer live. Before ZX and [my son] have
held me in this world and you too..., but this pain is too much for me. I
cannot bear it with my mind alone. I need you. I need your mind. I need your
compassion. I need you H, but you will probably tell me that my therapy is over
now.
But I had to risk this... it is the biggest risk I have ever taken. I
feel this is my only chance left to safe the little that has been left over
from this what feels like an annihilation. What I would like to do is be able
to work through this with you, but if you dont want to I cant make you. But I
am now left with something so unbearable, something so mad making. you have
been able to get rid of the madness you experienced now... and I understand you
needed to to be of any help to me, but at the same time you have left me with
the madness all alone. I have no mind to help me inbetween session. I need your
mind inbetween session, to help me when things become unbearbale. I dont
understand why we could not have talked about the emails and phone calls and
found a compromise. I have now been left with nothing. I was so desperate tha I
had to phone strangers to help me. Please H dont leave me with this. please
write back to me and tell me that you are not angry with me and that you want
to talk about this on monday with me. please write back to me and tell me that
you will not lay into me on monday. i am scared i am so scared of that because
it feels like i am disintegrating when you do that. i cannot survive it. this
has been a huge rupture and i cant hold it together any longer. i might seem
like i can give as good as i get but i am falling apart. it is too much for me.
please, if there still is a therapy after this email, write back to me and tell
me that you are not angry with me, that you will not shut at me or tell me to
look for another therapist when i talk about ceratin things that hurt. Please H
dont leave me dont leave me in this. i need to come and talk about this but i
need you to help me. i tried to come to therapy and talk but i am too scared, i
need to know that it is safe, that you are safe, that you wont shout at me,
threaten me with the end of the therapy. that you will hold on to my pain....
please im begging you, im begging you write back and tell me those
things... i need to hear them.
please i dont want to control you or abuse you or threaten you. I dont
want to manipulate you. i cant help how i feel. please write back to me... i
know that my therapy will be over if i dont hear from you.... its not a thread
please dont see it as that. I am just putting something in place for myself to
help myself. i am at my end. i need to know if i am still accepted and if you
want to work with me. This Is is the work H, please dont leave me.
i hope you will find some compassion for me to reply to me... to still
want to work with me... i am in need of support form you. we need you... i feel
like I am going to die, i cant hold it together anymore.
H ignored this email and when I returned after that
weekend, she told me that my therapy with her was now over because I had
contacted her.
I tried to explain to her that the sudden change
needs time for everyone internally to adjust (something she had worked with all
those previous years but now completely ignored). I tried to understand why she
felt she needed to threaten me with the end of my therapy. I needed to talk to
her about my feelings regarding all these changes. Yet H did not want to hear
any of my feelings or thoughts regarding this instead she told me that I had an
abuser within me and that I was a bully and manipulative. I tried to explain to
her that she was suddenly reacting like my previous therapist (I had talked to H
about my previous therapist M who had also abruptly ended the therapy with me
after a holiday. At the time H told me how M acted unethically and seemed to
have been caught in the repeat of my past. I hoped by me mentioning M to H, she
would reflect what was happening between us) but her reply was “You wanted to
destroy M; very nearly did. You wanted to destroy her business, her life.” She
also told me that now I wanted to destroy her. H now blamed me for the previous
breakdown whereas before she had expressed concern about M’s behaviour and told
me that it had not been my fault. I replied that I never wanted to complain
against M (H knew that), but just like her, M seemed to have been taken over by
some fear which she had no explanation for. Her only way to protect herself
against that fear, my projection, was to get rid of me.
I explained to H that the reason I felt I had to
complain against M was because she had pushed me away, blamed me for the
breakdown and didn’t give me a chance to be heard. I told H I was afraid of her
doing the same. I needed to discuss the new “boundary” and the feelings around
this especially after her working with me in a totally opposite way the past 4
years. H scoffed at me and replied: “Well, when you put your complaint in you
will be able to do that…”.
I continued to tell her that I had no intention to
complain; I also wanted boundaries put in place as the things that were
happening in our relationship were very painful and humiliating for me but I
needed safe boundaries not the rug pulled from under me; the boundaries H was
suggesting felt utterly dangerous and like an acting out by the retaliatory
therapist.
I asked if she would talk to me about it and that
we perhaps find a way together to make this work, for both of us. She told me
that she will not be challenged and that she was doing this to save my therapy.
I asked her why there needed to be the threat, why
not work with how the change felt for me, her reply was “because that is how it
was” I tried to make her aware of the fact that she is apparently doing this to
save my therapy yet in her trying to save it, she is threatening to destroy it
at the same time. She kept repeating “this is the boundary I put in place now”
I told her I wanted to work with the boundaries, the feelings they evoked in me
but she would not let me. Every time I mentioned this she told me to look for
another therapist. (all this can be heard on tape)
I asked H what she did with the last 4 years where
emails and phone calls had been encouraged and welcomed. She said she was
“using those four years with the hope that I would be able to use this
boundaried therapy now that I was seeing clients.” H told me that if I was able
to contain feelings outside of the session with clients, I should now be able
to do this in my own personal therapy too. I would agree with this if I did not
suffer from DID. For 4 years H recognised the separateness of the internal
fragments, understanding and working with the very different parts of myself,
encouraging them to feel safe enough to come out and talk and show themselves.
She now was unable to see that I had a part who was very capable of working
with clients, but who did not come out in the session. Because of the DID I am
able to work ethically in an emotionally and mentally demanding profession
while at the same time having internal parts that struggle. There is a huge
discrepancy between parts and for years H assured me that she knew how to work
with such fragmentation, and it never was a problem for her – until I started
seeing clients.
I told H that her threat of ending my therapy was
destroying my therapy and she told me that it could go either way, destroy it
or make it possible to continue. I told her that there was a third way and this
was me continuing therapy so I can finish my training but not doing any work –
I was very angry at the time as I needed H so I could finish my training
(something she knew).
The next session H told me that if I did not stop
my training she would no longer work with me; she said she was “no longer
willing to support me through my training”. I begged her not to do this but it
was only when I agreed to end my training that H reconsidered working with me.
I suggested that what was happening between us
could be a repeat of something from my childhood. Her reply was “Yes everything
is a repeat! Everything is a repeat!” I felt mocked by her sarcastic tone and
asked her who she thought she was for me in the transference, she replied: “You
know that better than I do!” I tried to explain to her that I am not asking
this question because I want to manipulate her, I just wondered if she ever
asked herself what is being repeated here for me. H replied “everything is
being turned around, and turned around. I'm not going to get into this right
now” I asked her why and she told me because I wanted to attack her. I
explained to her that it was important to me to understand what was happening
as my therapy was breaking down but H refused to explore this and kept saying I
was attacking her. When I told her that this was something to do with my past
and was coming from me (my projections were attacking her psyche), she replied
“Everything is yours!”
I asked H why she did not want to discuss the
change of the boundaries and her answer was “because that is the way I did it”
I replied that I felt she didn’t do it right as this was now the end of my
therapy H replied: “I haven’t been doing anything right for months!”
H continued to call me an abuser throughout the sessions
yet whenever I asked her what I had done that was abusive she told me that I
already knew this. I told her I did not know and I needed her to tell me to
understand what was happening. H said that she was never afraid of me becoming
physically violent but suggested that it was the emotional abuse that was the
worst and explained that it was the emails in which I wrote she “did not
support me, she had no feelings, was heartless and cruel, cold. A list of all
the things that she was not, that she did wrong, that she can’t do. I can’t
even begin to tell you! Your emails are controlling, bullying and abusive!”
At the end of this session H changed her mind again
and asked if we should try again. At the start of next session, however, H told
me that she changed her mind and she decided against working with me. She told
me I had a vicious, powerful abuser within and she was no match for him. I
didn’t understand but told her that I would try anything to make this work. H
asked “How will I know you have not been sent from inside to keep this going?”
This comment felt sinister to me and I wondered at this point whether she had
identified with the abusers from my past.
H then decided she would give me 2 months. In
this “trial period”, as she first called it, I was to show that I had changed
(no more emails and phone calls between sessions), the trial period then
changed to an “ending period” in the same session and when I asked her if she
would continue seeing me after this “ending period” if I had done everything
right in those two months, she replied that she could not answer that but that
she may consider it. I left the session that day (7th of March)
wanting to continue ‘therapy’ with H but became very ill when I got home. I
became aware that therapy was feeling very abusive of me and that I had to
protect myself. I made the decision not to return although this is never what I
wanted. I wanted my therapy and my therapist but at this point it felt like
emotional rape and Ms B agreed not to go back as she felt it was getting too
dangerous for me. Ms B is happy to be interview if necessary and or provide a
written statement.
On the 13th of March I received a
letter from H dated 5th of March asking for one more session to
end and if she did not hear from me by the 16th of March she
would assume I was not coming back.
On the 21st of March I received a
letter with the final bill.
On the 24th of March I wrote H a
letter asking for mediation so we could be helped.
H replied on the 27th of March that
mediation was not an option, that I was unable to work within boundaries and
that she would send all my pictures back to me. (This was very distressing for
me as the pictures were given to her to keep so I did not have to leave them in
my home where my son or husband could see them.)
Ms B emailed H and asked her to do nothing with the
pictures at the moment but if she felt unable to hold them to send the pictures
to her.
I replied to her on the 29th March:
H I am writing this because I now want to explain how this felt for ME.
You explained
how it felt for you and now I want to explain how it felt for
me/us.
I also have taped the last 4 sessions
which I was advised to do so by other professionals. I will also send this
email via letter too. I don’t want to complain but I can’t sort it out while it
feels you are unable to hear me. I am hoping this email will help you to
understand how it was for me so I don’t have to involve a governing body to
help me. You said once that I want to destroy you I don’t want to destroy you!
I want my therapy! This is my struggle to be heard. What I really wanted to do
was get my therapy back, I wanted and want to still work with you but it
appears you absolutely can’t hear me; what was really happening for me and how
it felt. When I started therapy with you, you knew about my separate parts. But
you were confident in helping me. You actively encouraged and supported me
writing emails to you. You then told me that I could phone you. I found phoning
you extremely difficult but with YOUR help and encouragement I started to pick
up the phone and phone you when things felt unbearable. And all that seemed OK
with you. Not once did you mention that I must not phone, quite the opposite,
you welcomed and encouraged it. You shared with me when you would be home and
when you were not at home, you seemed to realise the importance in that for me.
You actively encouraged my need for you. And that was correct. It was what was
needed. You not once told me to stop phoning or emailing you. Instead you
bought pens and play dough, paper and a folder to put my paintings in. You
brought a children's book into the session one day and read to us out of it.
YOU encouraged my need for you because back then you knew that this is what
needed to happen. It was OK that you did that because that made the bond
between you and me stronger. But with this strong bond and NEED for you, other
parts were also triggered. Parts that wanted to protect us from you because
they feared you would hurt us. OF COURSE these parts exist. OF COURSE this is
to be expected. Especially when you REALLY DO mess up and do or say something that
is very hurtful and destroyed our trust in you. But these parts are not abusive
in the way you keep on saying – they are there for a reason and were acutely
triggered by you careless actions and words. I/they were angry and hurt and
that needed to be expressed. When this happened those parts of me
wrote to you in angry ways, acted out in angry ways but never physically hurt
you. Those angry/terrified parts [that is why they are angry because they fear
intimacy and attachment!!] are very important and you let them write to you,
not once telling me that they were too much for you, too angry too abusive too
manipulative. Never did you tell me that the emails were getting out of hand or
the phone calls too many. Even before the break, you scanned pictures from the
children book and sent it to us. You were still able to hold onto that this is
what we needed. But then something happened after the break. You turned on us
and it was disastrous to me and my therapy. In the first session after the
break you told us that we are no longer allowed to email or phone you. And
should we do so, the therapy will be over. That was a complete withdrawal of
all that kept us safe. It was done without care or empathy and was devastating.
How abusive are you? YOU acted out! How dare you encourage us for almost 5
years to email and phone you and suddenly you say that if we do it again we are
out. YOU are wrong and abusive, and I can’t help thinking that you set me up
because you must have known that WE were not all able to stick to that rule. Of
course you knew because you had been talking to the desperate ones over the
years. You KNEW that they would still need to phone and email you. Suddenly all
you could speak was abuse, it seemed you couldn’t see the other desperate parts
of me. And then after threatening us continuously with the end of my therapy
you said you wanted to continue work with me!!! The next session you had
changed your mind again. Thankfully I have taped it all. Fortunately I taped
YOUR ruthless and threatening behaviour towards me!!! the client!!! The tapes
explain well why I was not able to come back to you again. You were no
therapist, you had turned into the abuser. I felt raped by you. I actually felt
raped physically after the last session because of the mind fucking you did.
You took on my projections and acted them out. The therapist I had trusted to
be able to use the projections to understand my agony had fallen in so far that
she had identified with it and become the abuser. I was attacked and
dehumanised by you, treated like a thing with no feelings – and of course that
was the projection. I have since talked to people who understand such strong
projections and I was also told by a very senior analyst that it sounded like
the psychotic parts of you were probably not worked through in your own
analysis had been triggered by mine and you were no longer able to contain
yourself and me. This made YOU the abuser H. YOU became the abuser and I am so
glad that I taped the last few sessions as I was advised to do by two
therapists. You were unbelievably cold, uncaring, vicious and ruthless towards
me the last few times I saw you. Yet you spoke of me as the abuser over and
over whilst being abusive. And your last letter to me shows just how much you
have lost the plot. It says I am unable to work within the boundaries of the
therapy. I was working within the boundaries – boundaries you were responsible
for initiating and holding. It was you whom changed the boundaries suddenly and
without warning, putting impossible conditions into the therapy, which I could
not adhere to because of the separate parts of me. Then you blamed me,
expecting me to suddenly get control of parts of me that are, as yet,
completely split off and whom I cannot control. Fact is that you encouraged us
to write to you and phone. I have evidence of that. You did a brilliant job at
getting us to depend on you and needing you, welcoming our dependency and
encouraging it that is why we were able to show other parts of us too, the ones
who wanted to protect us against such needs. Needs and attachments to grown-ups
meant torture and psychic death and almost physical death. Who the hell do you
think you are calling the parts of me who want to protect me against such
catastrophic feelings abusers??? YOU turned abuser! The e mails weren’t
abusive, they were about confusion and pain and anger. It seems you could no
longer deal with the intensity that was happening within and outside. YOU lost
the plot, I was the client and was doing what I needed to do, it was up to you
to keep me safe and keep the boundaries safe for me and you. You did not do
that. Withdrawing all that kept us safe wasn’t you keeping the boundaries, it
was reactive and retaliatory. You didn’t look after yourself. You got me no
support you got yourself not enough support. You messed up big time H. BIG
TIME. On more than one occasion. And now you are trying to blame me. We tried
to show you our feelings, that we felt love for you. You see, we CAN do that.
You had no compassion. You were a stone. I will not be blamed and thought of as
the bad one here who wasn’t able to stick to the “boundaries” the one whose
fault it was that the therapy collapsed. It was YOUR fault H, you were supposed
to look after yourself enough, pushing in threats NOT boundaries destroyed the
therapy. I tried to get mediation without getting the organisation involved
even when others advised me to go to the organisation straight away and not to
bother with you anymore as you have fallen in so deep you can’t see what is
going on and are dangerous to me but I ignored them I thought I give it all a
chance and I don’t want to complain against you because I love you so much. I
was told to talk to the organisation straight away and name you, which I
haven’t done . I also told the foundation that I don’t want to complain when I
was asked if I wanted to complain against you. I said NO! I don’t want to do
that. I tried and tried and tried and told you how much you mean to me and what
do I get back....this letter that shows me you still cannot understand how it
was for me. You are blaming me for your failures. Burning out is one thing but
abusing your client is another. You have turned abusive. I have tried to get
help for you and me, my therapy. And your response is that you will not be
challenged and it is not an option. You stupid woman, you are too self assured.
Because now you WILL be challenged and doing this MY way IS an option. This is
not revenge but I will not continue to allow you to blame and scapegoat me.
This is not my fault. I remember you sprayed the fly in your room with
spray and it died. You put it in the basket next to me and it buzzed while
dying. You didn’t seem to mind listening to the dying of the fly who was
obviously struggling. It was only after I got so upset by the buzzing of the
dying fly that you put it outside, came back in and then after it was still
buzzing outside you killed it. But it took Me to tell you that this must have
been terrible for the fly. It was dying, cos you had sprayed it and you were ok
with the fly slowly dying, you were not only ok with it but you didn’t mind
listening to its struggle. That just sums up who you are and your character.
And my character. I HATE torture and suffering and pain and feel utter distress
and unbearable pain when someone is suffering [like I feel for you while
writing this] but you... you don’t seem to be in touch with this part of you, I
doubt it exists. You are quite ok with watching someone die in front of you.
and that is why I couldn’t come back to you anymore. You had no compassion for
me [you admitted on the tape too] instead you saw me as dangerous and abusive
which made you angry and resentful towards me, something you acted out on me
every single session. It became like a mantra for you, over and over. H you
NEED to try to step into understanding how it felt for us because it feels to
me that you are utterly sure what happened and to me this is not what happened.
You need to understand what happened TO ME. It seems you have identified with
the abuser [that was an angry part of me who was rightly angry because of what
you did] to such an extent that all you can see is that abuser that needs to be
worked with, not understanding that it is actually YOU who triggered the angry
part of me. Because what you have done is highly dangerous. I am not dangerous
but what you have done to me is extremely threatening. I actually felt
compassion for you when you told me how a part of me treated you, I felt such
compassion for you. My heart hurt because you hurt. But you can’t feel
compassion for me, you even have forgotten that I am multiple. I think you
really need to grasp why I sent you the emails that you consider so abusive
[and others don’t] and why I made [or parts of me] made the phone calls. The
reason is that you made a complete U turn. You are saying that I became abusive
with my emails and phonecalls and you need to understand why parts of me acted
the way they did, it was actually quite normal, because the very things that
had contained me before, like emails phone calls and support, knowing when you
were home you took away from me. You even emailed me once during a break to let
me know that you were home and thinking of me this was all so important to me
and suddenly you started to change and take it all away from me. I was in utter
crisis. Then the angry parts of me wrote and phoned you. Of course they
did! The break was dreadful because of that, there was such
confusion and pain and to top it all of I then by chance I discover that you
were home 2 days earlier when you told me you were going to be home.
Technically [concretely] you don’t have to tell me these things but because you
knew and understood how important it was for me you had always told me before
and suddenly it was gone. all the things that had contained me before you took
away. You lied to me and that caused terrible things to happen inside me. Yet
after that you were incapable Of seeing the distress.
I want us to be able to come to a place where I feel you have
heard what It feels like for me. I don’t want to involve a governing body and I
have no wish to complain about you. I do not wish to seek revenge or to destroy
you – something you have accused me of. This is my last attempt to be heard by
you. I need you to understand the damage your actions caused, leading to the
premature and tragic ending of my therapy and leaving me in a very precarious
place. I have been advised that if this doesn’t come to a satisfactory
resolution, where I feel heard, then I should take advice from the BPC.
I did not hear from H I then wrote another email on
25/07/2013
Dear H
This is a difficult e-mail to write and I hope that
you can find it in your heart to read it.
It has been over a year since we have last spoken
and the breakdown of my therapy has affected me deeply, on many levels.
Not one day goes by that I do not wonder about how
this could have happened; how our relationship could go from sitting next to
each other, drawing pictures and playing with play dough together to an (in my
mind) absolute disgust and repulsion for me.
I wonder if it would be possible to offer me a talk with you, maybe on the telephone or
email, so I can have an ending and move on.
The reason I would like to have this opportunity is
not so I can come back to therapy with you, but to be able to end the torture
in my mind that I put myself through day in day out.
I know you know that endings are so very important,
especially when attachment wounds are deep. The breakdown would only be half as
soul destroying for me if I could have a reparation... not to the point of
working together again, but to the point of offering each other empathy for
what we have both been through, within this relationship.
I am very sorry for all the hurt I have caused you;
I hope you can find enough compassion for me too, to reply to this email and
open up a communication that will offer me an end to the pain that I still feel
regarding the therapy breakdown.
kind regards
On the 27.7.2013 I received a letter from H telling
me “it was unfortunate that your therapy ended abruptly, but it will not be
possible to do as you request.”
I have since tried to come to terms with this
experience but have been unable to find closure. I am hoping that bringing this
experience to the BPC will give me the opportunity to have my side heard (and
hopefully acknowledged) by H and will give me closure.
I am also concerned about H’ work as a
counsellor/analyst and hope that the BPC will help H understand what may be
happening to her so that she will not repeat with other clients what she has
done with me.