H: I wonder if your sigh meant that you were having a thought that you would like to speak. Something that you would like to say?
Client: That I would like to say?
H: Hm. I wonder if your sigh was saying something.
H: Hm. Do you want to leave?
Client: No.
H: Do you think we can work together? It’s not a trick question. Do you think we can work together? It’s
really important!
Client: I’m not sure if I can answer that question. I don’t know; isn’t this “working”?
H: Well I’m not sure if it is, quite. I'm not sure actually if it is working, at the moment. I'm not saying it hasn’t been and I’m not saying it can’t be. But I think it’s an important thought that needs to be thought about. The question needs to be thought about. Because it isn’t working when it feels as though there is somebody who is control of somebody else all the time one way or the other, that isn’t “working”. That is kind of a survival mode. That doesn’t change anything or help anybody. It doesn’t help you get better. So that is what I mean by working.
Client: But… I need you to show me how to be different.
H: Well, I know you do and I have tried and I do try and I’m still trying. And actually what I do is always with that in mind. Because even responding to things that happened is a way of saying “this can’t happen anymore” it has to be different. It isn’t acceptable. Those things just aren’t acceptable.
Client: What things?
H: Well there are things, like, that we have spoken about before, Like… controlling and bullying and trying to find ways of influencing another person. We have to stick to, we have to try …
Client: But, I feel it’s unfair that –
H: Well it may be unfair
Client: What I feel is unfair is, that you think my reaction to your sudden withdrawal --
H: It isn’t the sudden withdrawal; it is what happened before that. That instigated that.
Client: I think it’s unfair to withdraw these things from me and then I'm not allowed to have a reaction to it.
H: No I’m not talking about that reaction. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about what happened previously. That caused the withdrawal.
Client: But… you’ve lied to me.
H: Well, this is what I’m talking about. This is exactly what I’m talking about. That’s where my question came from - can we work together? The question is can we work together.
Client: So you want me to take it all. The blame.
H: It isn’t about blame. I'm not saying, I'm saying, the question is “can we work together”
Client: Well it depends on you really.
H: Well then, in which case, if it depends entirely on me then I will say no we can’t.
Client: I have said, I'm here, that is all I can do. And I'm willing to try and I'm sitting here and I’m actually looking at things and I’m saying things and I’m waiting for you to meet me half way. But you don’t.
H: In a sense, I think that is what I’m saying. If I don’t, maybe I can’t and that’s the question, maybe there is something that we’ve got to, an impasse that it’s making it not possible for us to work together. That is what it FEELS like. Because I am not going to keep answering accusations about the things that I have done. What we are here to do is trying to understand what happens on your inside world. If I am going to be always brought into it and questioned and judged then we can’t work together. Because if there isn’t an amount of trust that I am trying to work with you, help you change something within yourself or accept something within yourself then we can’t -
Client: But I want to trust you. But you’ve lied to me.
H: But if it isn’t there we can’t work together.
Client: But--
H: If you can’t understand –
Client: But how can I trust you when you lied to me?
H: Well, then we can’t work together. Because I can’t change what has happened.
Client: I know you can’t change it but at least you can say sorry.
H: But I'm not going to say sorry! Because I have the right to tell you when I am back at work. You don’t
have the right to my home life. You don’t. Have. The right. To my home life.
Client: But you lied to me.
H: And I will lie again if it means that I’m going to tell you when I'm back at work because I have the right to protect my private home life.
Client: But why can you not protect your private home life by telling me the truth? Why can you not say –
H: BECAUSE I HAVE THE RIGHT to protect my private home life.
Client: Why can you not just say “I’d rather not tell you, or you say –
H: BECAUSE I SAID I will be back on Monday night.
Client: But that was a lie.
H: It was not and I’m not going to get into this anymore. Because this is my point. This has to be respected or we cannot work together. And it will not be challenged. And I will not have it challenged! This is my work, it happens to be my home as well. You have the right to know when I’m back at work you do not have the right to know when I’m back at home.
Client: 3.17 That’s fair enough that you don’t want to tell me when your home, but then don’t tell me! Say “I'm going to see you again on Monday or Tuesday.” Don’t tell me when you are going to be back then. Just say I'm going to see you again on Monday. Or on Tuesday. Why did you have to lie and say “I will be back on Monday night?” Why did you have to do that? Why lie and then you want me to trust you. It doesn’t make sense. I'm trying to trust you. But you have lied to me you have to accept that.
H: But if it isn’t THAT lie, it is something else, it is always something. It is ALWAYS something that I’m doing. I'm not supporting you; I don’t trust you with your training--
Client: I feel sick…
H: Well you might feel sick but these are truths.
Client: You don’t really care, do you….
H: I care a lot but there is only a certain amount that I can do
Client: But when I told you about my training the first thing you did was, you know what you did.
H: I said “I don’t think you are ready to see clients yet”
Client: Yes that was the very first thing you said to me
H: Well it was the first time you had spoken about it
Client: Yes because I was so scared
H: Everything I do-
Client: But can you not see-
H: No. I can only see that actually whatever I do is taken as being as something that is against you. And I can’t work like that.
Client: But why can you not see your part in it as well?
H: I have seen my part in it over and over again but I am here to work with you as your therapist
Client: Yes
H: I make interpretations I try to understand your inside world. But everything that I do is turned into something --
Client: Yes! But then please try to understand my inside world!
H: I have!
Client: Try to understand my inside world when I find out that you have lied. Try to understand my inside world when I have told you about something really precious and then you tell me “I don’t think you are ready to see clients yet” that’s the first response. I'm not saying that –
H: X, you have Dissociative Identity Disorder, why would I think you are ready to see clients without some anxiety? Why should I not have anxiety?
Client: That’s ok you can have that anxiety. I'm not saying you can’t feel what you are feeling. But why not say “I know your struggling I just wonder how you feel about seeing clients?” Just ask me how I feel about seeing clients! You couldn’t even do it.
H: But you see this is what happens all of the time. You know what you want me to say it’s as though you –
Client: Afterwards! Afterwards when I think about it! Because I’m so shocked that you said that I went home and I thought about it and then afterwards I thought to myself “why can she not just say how do you feel about seeing clients?” Not at the time when I said it.
H: Another thought would be, the other way of thinking would be “perhaps I need to understand why H is saying that. There may have been a good reason why H said that. “
Client: I ask myself that question! But where is the compassion?
H: Oh my goodness X.
Client: Where is the compassion in that sentence?
H: There was compassion. There was absolute compassion but you don’t hear it. You don’t hear the compassion when I say “I think, it sounds like you are quite anxious about seeing clients. I think perhaps you are not ready yet to see clients”
Client: But you didn’t say that!
H: I did! I did! Because you were talking about supervision group.
Client: What I’m trying to explain to you is, the very first time I told you about my training, the very first thing you said to me was you didn’t think I was ready to see clients yet. Which is your opinion, that’s ok, but that is the very first thing I was confronted with. After I have been really anxious telling you because like you said that was the first time I actually told you, so you must know I was really anxious about telling you that it was really important to me. So just to handle it with a little bit of –
H: This is why I’m saying: I wonder if we can work together, because I don’t seem to be able to give you what you need. That is how it seems.
Client: But you used to be able to.
H: No. I have tried but even in my trying everything I try ends up ending up on the scrap heap. Everything that I have done ends up on the scrap heap. I just don’t think what I have to offer you is what you are looking for. The more I try the more that there is going on, the more that it is getting abused.
Client: No, that’s the repeat.
H: It is the repeat and I won’t tolerate the repeat.
Client: But I don’t want you to tolerate it I want you to help me with it.
H: I don’t know how to help you other than not tolerating it.
Client: That’s ok but don’t just say “I don’t know how to help you so I don’t want to know” ok you don’t know how to
help me that’s fine, I don’t know either but don’t push me away!
H: 14.05 I don’t want to push you away X, I have no desire to push you away. I would really, really like to keep working with you. I want to help you. I really want to help you I have always wanted to help you. But I’m not going to sacrifice myself on the […] of it. Your abuser is vicious! It is vicious and I can only have huge compassion for what your Little Ones have to suffer and the whole inside world is ruled by a very, very powerful abuser, and I am no match for it. Not on my own, not without help. Not without help from others from the inside world. And I will not be a victim of your abuser. And I have great compassion for the others on the inside world but I can’t help them. Unless there is anybody in there that will work with me on this because the abuser is in charge. Big time. Of your inside world and anyone who comes anywhere near it.
Client: 15.35 Not anyone.
Client: And the reason this is happening is, you know when I met M, I never said that M was unkind, M was really kind--
H: Yes I know
Client: And it was through M’s kindness and compassion and behaviour and words that enabled me to get to that place and then, that we were able to come out, everyone. That includes the abuser as well. Unfortunately. But then because it was to her credit and to your credit that it came that far and now they are all just gone.
H: Well you see what happens is I think that when there becomes a real attachment when the Little Ones become really, really attached to somebody, I think the abuser hates it. Hates it with a passion! In the way that your father would not allow anybody that he didn’t want to come near you. He owned you for himself. And the abuser wants to own you and the Little Ones and everyone on the inside world and actually when there is a strong attachment starting with someone outside the abuser wants to destroy it. The abuser wanted to destroy M, very nearly did. Very nearly did. Nearly destroyed her career, her job, her work, that’s what the abuser wanted. And as soon as there is an attachment –
Client: I didn’t want to destroy M. I didn’t want to do that! I asked M for mediation I didn’t want to complain! I wrote an email saying please M we need someone to help us, at least end this on not such a bad note. Please we need to get some help. And she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to! She just left me with it! I didn’t do anything to M. M said that she thought I stood in front of her door with a knife behind my back and she was asked “did she” and she said “no, she didn’t” and she said she was scared of my poems. But I never did anything to her.
H: I know you didn’t and I know you wouldn’t. And I know you wouldn’t to me. I'm not frightened that you would hurt me or harm me physically. I'm absolutely, but your abuser, I think you DON’T know the strength of your abuser. I think you DON’T know the power of it on the outside world. I think you really don’t know.
Client: Well then tell me, but stop saying abuser, like –
H: But it IS an abuser!
Client: No it’s not because it’s there for a reason.
H: It’s there because –
Client: It’s there to protect us.
H: No it’s not protecting! That’s the false message just as your father gave you a false message, that he loved and protected you. He didn’t! And neither does your abuser. Your father did NOT love and protect you; he abused, bullied and was cruel to you. And your abuser inside is doing exactly the same. It is not protecting you. It is behaving under the disguise of protection and it is destroying you. It is destroying you. Taking away all of the good help and it spoils and destroys all of the good things.
Client: I will go to church and I will ask the priest—
H: The priest can’t get rid of it! It can only happen in therapy. This is the place, it cannot be got rid of and can be worked with. If you and some others on the inside world are prepared to work with it and not accept it as the protector. Because it is not a protector it is not a friend. It is not protecting or helping you. It is conning you! It is conning you! The abuser is conning you into thinking that it is protecting you. And it tells you that everybody else is the abuser; tells you that everyone else is harmful and bad and that the abuser is good. That is just like your father did. This is what your father did to you! And it continues inside. It continues to keep everything inside secret, locked away, abusive, controlling, inside. Just like it was with your father. No one else was allowed in.
Client: I'm not an abuser…
H: You have an abuser within you that controls everyone on the inside world and everyone important that you come in contact with.
Client: Not X...
H: No, not X.
Client: Why?
H: I don’t know. I have wondered. I don’t know.
Client: I'm going to go to church.
H: No, the church isn’t going to be the answer X. This isn’t something that can be done outside of you.
This is something that has got to be done with you. No one can take it away. It’s not a spirit!
Client: But I don’t know how to do it!
H: I know you don’t! And neither do it. But if, I don’t know how to do it, but I know we have to face the reality of it for anything to be different. That we can’t face the reality of it together if there isn’t someone there who can face it with me.
Client: I want to face reality but why could you not say it in a different way? Why?
H: X I think what's important is what I’m saying
Client: But this is important to me. You tell me what's important to you and I’m listening to you--
H: No it’s not important to me it’s important to your therapy.
Client: 21.54 But you said you can’t work with me any other way
H: I, I, yeah I said --
Client: So it’s important.
H: It is important. What I'm saying is, if this can be accepted that there is an abuser inside who controls the inside world who is not protecting you that we need to work with and understand that’s what I’m saying to you. And if we can’t do that
Client: Yes I understand that and I agree but what I’m saying is why couldn’t you say it in a different way? Why weren’t you able to explain these things to me in a different way?
H: Because sometimes, you mean in a different way from just now?
Client: No
H: X, sometimes it’s not possible because sometimes you can’t hear me. Sometimes there is something going on and I think it’s where the bully and the protector, um protector abuser! Is actually, I can’t where it’s not possible to speak to you! It isn’t!
Client: But instead of telling me, I was there I listened to you, instead of saying the way you did, you could have said it in a different way.
H: Well I said it how I said it doesn’t change the fact of it
Client: It changes the whole how I feel about you.
H: Well it might do but ---
Client: But that’s really important.
H: Well it might be but what's more important is what we are talking about
Client: No H
H: Well I’m afraid it is. For your therapy it is.
Client: H why are you not listening to me?
H: I am listening to you.
Client: No you’re not.
H: I am.
Client: No you’re not. I'm not asking the impossible.
H: You mean how I'm talking now isn’t ok?
Client: No. How you talked then.
H: Well we are talking now. We are talking now. This is what's important.
Client: But you want me to forget about the way you handled it before. And with the venom you spit!
H: Pfft, well, if you felt that I was spitting venom X then I think –
Client: No, don’t say it again. I'm not even allowed to say anything anymore.
H: Yes you can! You can! Of course you can but unless it can be accepted that venom also comes from you –
Client: But I am accepting it! I am accepting it! I never said that I am innocent in all this.
H: Well it is not about guilt and innocence; it’s about where the work needs to be done. And this is what I’m
saying to you. This is how I work, this is who I am and you are not going to be able to change me. I can’t. I try and in a sense what we are doing here is me trying to offer you what I can to help you get to grips with this very destructive abuser in yourself. And if all the time the focus is what I am and what I do then we are never going to get anywhere.
Client: And can you please tell me what this part does that’s so abusive and please could you tell me in a way that, to keep my feelings in your mind. Please.
H: Yes. You mean, you don’t know.
Client: No
H: You don’t know what it does? You don’t recognise the abuser in you at all?
Client: I understand that I have an abusive part like everyone else has
H: No! Not like everyone else has!
Client: Everyone has an abusive part.
H: Not everyone was abused like you were X
Client: Yes I understand but everyone has an abusive part.
H: Not everyone was abused like you were and unless you can get to grips with the fact that there is some
SERIOUS, SERIOUS abuse that has gone on in your past and continues inside we can’t go anywhere with this. It is not the same as everyone else. It is severe and profound.
Client: 26.50 But I'm just asking one thing and that’s … *switch into different part
Client: 29.00 I don’t understand what is happening.
H: Well I think what is happening is that you and I are having to confront the reality of what is going on on your inside world that has become, made clear on the outside world. And that if therapy is to be of any help that is what we have to be able to work with. And it can’t be ignored.
Client: I don’t understand what you are saying.
H: Well what I’m saying is, as a child from very early on in your life, you were severely abused. In every way. And that children always internalise or take in the parent that is their care giver. And it becomes an internal part. So for those who were lucky enough they had a good parent inside who they can rely on –
Client: I understand that.
H: What is inside is an internalised version of your father and it feels like still is in charge of everyone in the inside world.
Client: I'm going to cut him out…
H: You can’t! And you can’t! This is the point. You can’t. It has to be worked with. Because it is a part of who you are. It is not a separate thing from you. It is a part of who you are! And we have to work with it. And if it can’t be accepted as a part of who you are – it isn’t who you are! You are not your father. But it exists and it is a part of who you are. And if we can work with it, it can be changed. But if it always has to be seen outside in somebody else that it’s never located inside of you if you get rid of it by seeing it in everybody in the outside in me and in others, then it is never going to change.
Client: But I don’t see it like this I only see it like this when you lie –
H: No! Yes, but you see I’m human and anything I do is been from, everything it’s not just the lie, it’s when I don’t support or I say something wrong or I don’t answer an email promptly it is all of the time! It is projected out! It is never actually what is going on and what your abuser is doing to others outside, that is not seen. It is only what others do to you that is seen. Not what your abuser –
Client: Couldn’t you have told me that in a different way?
H: There isn’t another way of saying it!
Client: Yes there is H.
H: Well, not that I know of.
Client: Maybe not.
H: But that’s why I question if we can work together. Because when I say things that are really, really difficult to hear, now I am not saying them in order to be nasty.
Client: It’s not so much about the things that are difficult to hear. It’s about whether they are said with compassion or empathy or whether they are just thrown at me.
H: They are not thrown at you.
Client: You have thrown them at me H
H: I haven’t there is no other way of able to –
Client: But this is what I keep hearing from you. There is no other way of doing –
H: I have BEEN compassionate about it! I have been gentle and compassionate about dealing with it and it
just increases the abuse! Your abuser doesn’t know about compassion! Your abuser hates compassion!
Client: But the others do.
H: I know they do!
Client: And they are suffering…
H: I know that they are but until we can do something with the abuser they will continue to suffer. Because every single time--
Client: But they are suffering now because you have taken everything away.
H: No! They suffer all of the time!
Client: Yes
H: It’s not me who makes them suffer!
Client: No, it isn’t you but, of course they suffer because of this other part, but they suffer even more now because they trusted you and they got attached to you
H: I know!
Client: And you have done exactly now what the abuser wanted you to do.
H: Yes! So I need someone to help me with this.
Client: I'm trying!
H: Right!
Client: I'm trying!
H: Ok.
H: And I am trying to help the Little Ones by confronting the reality of this. It is the only way I can help the Little Ones on a long term basis. It is the only way.
Client: But you are forgetting about me
H: No I'm not!
Client: Yes you are.
H: No I'm not.
Client: Because you are just concentrating on this bad part
H: I have to
Client: And I get lost on this.
H: You are somebody who I am asking to help me think about this rather than turning it back on me. You are somebody I am saying: “think about this with me, try to think about this with me rather than blaming me for upsetting you.”
Client: I’m not blaming you.
H: Well.
Client: All I'm saying is it’s difficult for me to trust you when you said all these things in such a way
H: No! No! It is difficult for you to trust me. Now that I will accept! Not because of what I do.
Client: But you have lied!
H: No! I'm not having this X! This is where I'm not; this is why we won’t be able to work together because every time it is brought back away from the thing to what I’m doing. I am not going to be controlled. (this is easily managed when one is able to not take it personally and say “let’s look at where you have experienced these feelings of betrayal before and see why it is so difficult for you to manage what I have done)
Client: I'm not trying to control you.
H: No! I am not going to be controlled!
Client: But I'm not trying to control you…
H: 36. 20 Well then you have to let go and accept what it is that has happened and what I have done. I have given you an explanation. That is it! That is not going to change. I’m not going back over it again.
H: I want to help you. I have huge compassion for your little ones I have huge compassion for you. But compassion actually is nothing alone; it needs something much, much more. There is something very serious going on and compassion will not help it. Yes of course you need compassion and I will continue to have compassion but to get to grips with this abuser, compassion will just be shat on, spat on, stamped on, crushed, abused. Compassion alone will not do.
Client: Yes compassion alone won’t do but ---
H: X I have compassion because I am here! I’m here! Telling you I want to work with you. There is where my compassion is. My compassion is saying “I don’t want to leave you with this. If you will work with me I won’t leave you with this. ”But I need a “you” who will work with me. Me here as I am. Cos that is what there is, there is you as you are there is me as I am. Can we work together?
H: And it’s a serious question. I'm not playing games. Because I do know that working with what you have to content with is really hard, that’s why there is the clinic for dissociative studies where they work differently where they have groups and therapists together. That’s why I wanted you to be referred there that’s why I wrote the letter. Because it is very hard for you to work with one therapist and for me as a therapist to work with all of the different aspects. It is very, very hard which is why most people don’t actually work with dissociation like that! In a single setting, it’s very, very, very hard. For both. Both you and for me.
Client: I understand that you don’t want your private life to be influenced in that way but what I don’t understand is why you withdrew all the support when you were gone.
H: I didn’t withdraw it, I just didn’t know what to give to you, there was nothing I could give because I want to protect my private life so I don’t want to have texts and phone calls while away. I need to have a holiday. I explained that.
Client: But why could you not just get me in touch with someone or a helpline who would be there instead of you, we have done it before –
H: I did but the person that I gave before hasn’t been available since and I don’t have anybody else who would be willing to take it on.
Client: No one from the clinic in London?
H: No.
Client: Valerie talked to me.
H: Hmh. Yes, Valerie does.
Client: I thought your supervisor knows about DID?
H: Yes? Doesn’t he know what?
Client: Doesn’t he know anyone or any helplines?
H: No it’s not. No! I, it’s not about helplines in a sense. I didn’t, in a way, I think that, I think you’re right, it would have been helpful if I had remembered that, but I didn’t!
Client: What I need you to understand is, how that felt for me. Because before you offered support and suddenly you withdrew everything.
H: No I didn’t withdraw everything. I didn’t, there was a holiday before in the summer….
Client: Yes and you gave me your mobile number.
H: Well I did and I think it was a mistake. I made a mistake there. It was wrong of me. Because I can’t do that.
Client: What I’m trying to say is, you gave me all these things before and then you just didn’t give me nothing, and you need to understand that it is very difficult for me to trust you now.
H: I understand that.
Client: And on top of that I find out that you …were.. actually…not…telling me the truth –
H: Well this is what I’m saying. You need to think very carefully whether you want to continue therapy
Client: Can I please finish please?
H: You can
Client: Because, so I didn’t have the support, then I find THAT out, and afterwards when I meet you, you tell me that I’m also not allowed to email and call anymore. So there are three big things in four days
H: That’s right! But I wonder too if there is anything that you can think about, about the things that have happened form your side.
Client: Yes I do. I think a lot about it. But what I'm saying is, it is difficult for me to talk to you about it because of the trust now. Because the trust, like I can’t trust you. I want to but now you have to admit you don’t give me any support during the break, I find out that you didn’t tell me the truth and then when I come back to the session you tell me that if I ever email or call you again that there is going to be no more therapy and now you want me to trust you. It’s not possible
H: Right, in which case we need to think about how we are going to end our therapy. If that is what you are saying.
Client: No what I'm saying to you H is, I need your help. To build up the trust again.
H: Right. The way I would build up the trust is that I am going to keep the boundaries very firm . That is the only way that I know. I never going to offer you something again that I can’t see through
Client: You are just not getting it are you…
H: Well I am getting it!
Client: No because I am not saying to you that I want this to change. I want you to understand what that did to me
H: I can hear what you are saying and I do understand.
Client: No you don’t understand because your reply to me shows me that you don’t understand. Your reply to me instead of saying “that must have been really hard and really painful, it must have been really painful for you to hear all these things and find these things out” I didn’t get that. I got “if that’s the case, then we have to find a way to end the therapy” that’s your response to me telling you that what I experienced over them few days, how difficult that was and how painful and your response is “then we have to finish the therapy”, when all I needed at that point H was “it must have been 45.44 so painful”. I didn’t want you to say “ok let’s go back to the way it was! I just needed you to acknowledge my pain and my feelings.
Client: 46.17 But… why not? Why couldn’t you have done that for me? Why did it feel impossible?
H: Well…I think what makes it very hard, is that … your abuser, when you are feeling so in touch with your pain and hurt that those things cause you, what is seen on the outside what is communicated is a bullying abuser. I can’t see that pain. And it’s really, really hard when you are being threatened, criticised, judged, bullied, abused, as you know, it is really, really hard to find the compassion. And I know what you’re saying and I do know in theory I know, I have often felt care and compassion for you but when I’m faced with the abuser when I am faced with that even though I know intellectually I know what is going on for you somewhere is a lot of hurt and pain, when I am faced with the abuser it is really hard to get in touch with my compassion.
Client: Yes, I understand that, so and just now when I told you about how difficult it was and what I needed from you and how difficult it was to not have support and then find all these things out I wasn’t being an abuser. And I wasn’t being abusive
H: No you weren’t. You absolutely weren’t
Client: But you still weren’t able to do that for me then.
H: Because actually my, I am then taken back and still feeling the effect of the abuser. It doesn’t just go away.
Client: Exactly! And then you ask me if I’m able to work with you and I want to say yes! But I’m scared H. I’m scared that you are going to be in this for a long time.
H: In what for a long time?
Client: In feeling like I’m the abuser.
H: Absolutely. I understand. Yea, yea and I don’t want to be either. Believe me I don’t want to be either. And
I think in time… it can change, I’m sure it will change.
Client: What will change?
H: Well in a sense, that I can get back in touch with your real hurt and vulnerability. But in a way I also got to find a way of managing the abuser.
Client: So, I understand that. That is difficult to do because of what you are being confronted with. But you also have to understand that it is really difficult, on top of everything else to come here knowing that it is very hard for you finding compassion for me.
H: Yes I know it is.
Client: And if you ask me is it possible to continue the therapy, I would like to say yes but to be honest with you, it is more painful sitting here and feeling so much pain and not being able to show it and knowing the other person actually hates my guts.
H: No I didn’t say that!
Client: That’s how I feel…
H: NO IT IS NOT. No! NO NO NO NO NO
Client: Yes I said “that’s how I feel!”
H: No, I'm telling you that this is not true!
Client: Yes, ok!
H: I don’t hate you!
Client: Ok! That’s how I feel!
H: 49.56 Yes ok! But that’s different from the fact!
Client: That’s how I feel! That you have no compassion for me, which you just said, and that’s ok! That’s not the same as hating my guts. But I FEEL like it’s so intense that feeling –
H: Hang on a minute! Let me just, let me just – whoa let’s just rewind a minute. It isn’t that I don’t have compassion for you. I do and you know that I do because I have shown it. At the moment, right now, I am, I can’t be in touch with that within myself. Right now. It isn’t there to get in touch with. I know it’s there. I know it’s there! And it will come back! And you know that! You must know it for yourself! You must know that feeling! You must know very well. And it’s not about me hating you. It’s about having a protective stance and YOU know about that.
Client: So… my compassion…
H: MY compassion is in there. It is in there. It absolutely is in there.
Client: My compassion… I have compassion for you H…you might not believe it but I do.
H: No I do believe you! I absolutely do because you know about your abuser and you know about the power. I know you do!
Client: and…it’s difficult for you to have compassion for me right now and –
H: At this very second it has been, it is more now than it was before. But the last session, was quite a battering. And actually, when you have a battering, I know it’s coming from a place of hurt and fear, but actually it’s very hard to hold that in mind when the battering goes on endlessly.
Client: But I think it’s important to know that the battering goes on, on both sides…
H: Well. Ok.
Client: Really.
H: We have to stop for today.
Client: I need to pay you.
H: Ok. And X… I know you said that you only wanted to come once a week, do you really still think that? OR should we try doing three times a week for now? And see what WE can do?
Client: I thought maybe you crossed it out already.
H: No I haven’t.
Client: Maybe I should come three times…
H: Shall we keep trying?
END
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