You asked what I was trying to tell you today... I think I was trying to tell you about the death. The death of my therapy, the death of the holding space, the safe space. The womb. the death of baby me that has prematurely been ripped out.
The death of the nurturing umbilical cord between us that has been severed. ripped out and is now lying on the floor next to the baby. And the death of the baby and her innocence. You are standing next to her, the little bloody pile of flesh, only just started to grow a head... no arms yet to reach out...but they would have grown next... but not anymore. those arms will never grow. Blood dripping out of you you stare at the thing you have aborted from your womb. Disgusting horrible thing that caused you so much misery. You look at it with abhorrence and indignation and as it tries to lift up its head. It is dying and your eyes say "die."
There has been a death, yes. The death of you and the death of me. But most importantly the death of a new beginning, of a new way. The death of a new part that would have known Love and caring boundaries. A baby, child and adult who would have grown inside of your room, attached to you and your Love, She wanted to grow, I wanted her to grow. There was a time when you wanted her to grow too.... I know you did. Why have you ripped her out H? Why have you severed the cord? I am without life again. I live in a world of nothingness. This little baby was our hope to feel and see this world differently. To experience something different.
It is not boundaries that have destroyed this safe and holding place, it was the way you have done it. And the way this huge and painful rupture has been ignored afterwards. Perhaps you feel that you are not ignoring it and it is me who is ignoring it and you are right that you have indeed mentioned the loss of emails and phonecalls today but how can I talk to you about this when you cannot meet me half way? I know you have convinced yourself that you have done everything right. You havent H. I needed to do this healing my way, and you were OK with this at first. That is why others were showing themselves to you. It was because of your work with us that we were able to show ourselves. I feel that this became too painful for you or too much in some way, which I totally understand and feel deep compassion for you, that you needed space from this pain and darkness. And of course, those "boundaries", not being allowed to phone you or email you will give you that space. I feel very sad, very hurt that you have forgotten about us in your haste to get yourself back to a healthy equilibrium. I wonder if you sometimes wonder about what happens to us in-between sessions now, especially weekends. I wonder if you care if something does happen to us. I wonder where the care for us that you talked about and showed before has gone, and of course I wonder if it was at all real if it is now so easy for you to abandon us without any further support. You know that we are many yet it feels like you expect us to behave like we are one now. You know that there are some who will phone you especially the little ones. How deeply traumatised they will be, it hurts me heart I cant bear thinking about it. All those things I wanted to talk to you about, but I feel my hands are tight because whenever I mention a hurt that has been caused by your actions you tell me how I have a long list of your failings. I dont tell you these things to have a go at you H, I am telling you about my hurt. I am telling you how much I am hurting. yes... your actions have been the trigger of that hurt, but this deep deep hurt that I am feeling was born when I was a baby and child. Yes you have triggered it in me but it is very old hurt. And I wish you could hear me, help me. Help me deal with such hurt. The hurt I am feeling is too much for me. I can no longer manage it and I want to kill myself. I feel there is no other way out for me. I wish more than anything to stay with you and work this through but what has happened to me in the last 2-3 weeks was unbearable. H, please hear me. It was unbearable. To the point where I had to create a new part. I also had to talk to Frances about it who I had been in touch with a couple of month before all this happened. She took it to her therapist and both of them tried to hold me and contain me in my shock and despair. You see, you probably had your friends and or supervision, your own therapy or colleagues you could talk to about this but in your mind I had no one. Not even frances. No one. In your mind I was alone with this. More than anything I want to trust you but how can I when it was and still is OK for you for us to be alone with the pain and terror between sessions. Please help me build up the trust again. I want to. But I need your help. I dont think I could have managed without frances and her therapist. I am not saying this to you to list this as a failure of yours. I understand why you did it.But I need you to understand how horrific and traumatic your actions and withdrawal have been for the inside world.
I find it impossible, and it never even entered my head, to ask for my boundaries also, but when Frances therapist talked about me having boundaries in place to protect myself also, I realised that I just let people do what they like with me and the only way to protect myself is to run away. I want to change that but am unable to tell you this in person. I am also unable to come to the next session after I have send this off to you if you dont write back to me and tell me that you will be safe. This is not me trying to manipulate you H, please believe me, i am terrified I am just trying to keep myself safe. I am horrified of you at the moment because of what you have done the last few weeks, but this can be repaired. If you will meet me half way. For me to be able to do this work, work with my detached parts, I need to feel safe enough to let them speak. I dont feel safe enough right now because there is no support in between sessions when terrible stuff comes up for them in the session and they dont have anyone to sooth them or help them. And I cannot do it alone H. I need your help. I need you to help me with this. I thought we were in this together... I hoped so much that you might be able to see what has happened the last couple of weeks but even though you are kind to us in the session, and gentle I get the sense that you dont even remember what happened the last few weeks. How you have shouted at me, the threats, the sarcasm and coldness in your voice. It was horrific. Horrific. I dont have a word for the torture that I experienced in those sessions. I want to work through this and I know that you are not bad. I know that there are things going on for you right now ... things we have done and things others have done in the outside world that worry you. And I believe you when you say you need to put in those boundaries to preserve the therapy, but all I am asking of you H is to think about how this is for me and what you have done to the safe womb that was your room. The safe holding that enabled us to come and talk to you, in session, via telephone and emails. It has silenced us. We are bad. Bad. So bad that not even H wants to be with us, not even a psychoanalyst can stay with us and our pain. Not even someone who has been through pain and humiliation in therapy themselves can keep in mind our pain and humiliation. And shame ... the absolute shame of having been given something good [phone calls emails, a lifeline] and then have it ripped away so violently and with such a thread. It fragmented us.
I feel so hopeless and in a way this is my last attempt after having scratched the bit of energy i have left together to get you back, back to how you used to be... it worked this way H. we were doing the work this WAS the work. We were doing it...and it got painful and messy and unbearbale. but that is how it was for me as a child... please don’t leave me in this pain. I think I got a sense of you feeling hopeless too. Believing that no matter what you do for me, no matter how kind, it wont help me. It does help me H. It does. It sticks with me. It will take a long time but it is not in vain, your kindness has helped us trust you. this trust scared some of course, of course. It is scary, very scary, and it brought out the ones who dont want the relationships to last but remember when you told me about your cold front? You told me that in a way it is those who are close to you who experience the cold front. And I think the same is going on with us. The ones who are getting close to us, the ones who do actually matter to us, experience the full force of our fear and despair and pain. Often expressed in rage or sadness or hopelessness or uselessness. But we need you. We needed you so much the last few weeks but you left us, ripped the cord out of you and now you are standing there, staring at the pathetic puddle of fleshy blood on the floor. Flesh that looks like it is nothing but a bloody pile of spoilage but we are alive. we have feelings and we are hurting so much that we can no longer live. Before X and X have held me in this world and you too..., but this pain is too much for me. I cannot bear it with my mind alone. I need you. I need your mind. I need your compassion. I need you H, but you will probably tell me that my therapy is over now.
But I had to risk this... it is the biggest risk I have ever taken. I feel this is my only chance left to safe the little that has been left over from this what feels like an annihilation. What I would like to do is be able to work through this with you, but if you dont want to I cant make you. But I am now left with something so unbearable, something so mad making. you have been able to get rid of the madness you experienced now... and I understand you needed to to be of any help to me, but at the same time you have left me with the madness all alone. I have no mind to help me inbetween session. I need your mind inbetween session, to help me when things become unbearbale. I dont understand why we could not have talked about the emails and phone calls and found a compromise. I have now been left with nothing. I was so desperate tha I had to phone strangers to help me. Please H dont leave me with this. please write back to me and tell me that you are not angry with me and that you want to talk about this on monday with me. please write back to me and tell me that you will not lay into me on monday. i am scared i am so scared of that because it feels like i am disintegrating when you do that. i cannot survive it. this has been a huge rupture and i cant hold it together any longer. i might seem like i can give as good as i get but i am falling apart. it is too much for me. please, if there still is a therapy after this email, write back to me and tell me that you are not angry with me, that you will not shut at me or tell me to look for another therapist when i talk about ceratin things that hurt. Please H dont leave me dont leave me in this. i need to come and talk about this but i need you to help me. i tried to come to therapy and talk but i am too scared, i need to know that it is safe, that you are safe, that you wont shout at me, threaten me with the end of the therapy. that you will hold on to my pain....
please im begging you, im begging you write back and tell me those things... i need to hear them.
please i dont want to control you or abuse you or threaten you. I dont want to manipulate you. i cant help how i feel. please write back to me... i know that my therapy will be over if i dont hear from you.... its not a thread please dont see it as that. I am just putting something in place for myself to help myself. i am at my end. i need to know if i am still accepted and if you want to work with me. This Is is the work H, please dont leave me.
i hope you will find some compassion for me to reply to me... to still want to work with me... i am in need of support form you. we need you... i feel like I am going to die, i cant hold it together anymore.