H: I think we perhaps need to start where we finished on Monday because as you left you said is my therapy over. And (inaudible]
Client: Why?
. H: Because I told you what would happen if there were any emails or phone calls. And because--
Client: But please give me a chance H
. H: There was a chance. That was the chance. That was the chance. And I came into therapy with you to help you to find a way to look after the vulnerable ones in a less abusive way. I didn’t come in, to help you through a training which is not compatible with your vulnerable inside world. And I can’t do it. I can’t see you through your training. It is causing such disturbance inside that I’m expected to take all responsibility for the vulnerable ones while there is nobody there who is an ally.
Client: But I’m here
. H: No
Client: I am here H. I’m here.
. H: Yes, but on Monday, somebody else was here who was absolutely determined --
Client: But I’m here
. H: The determination to do this training is greater than the determination to get well
Client: H I want to get well. Please
. H: If that is the case then this has to be not about training and I have said that the therapy has to end if that happens and it has happened.
Client: Please give me one more chance
. H: How?
Client: Please
. H: No, not under the current circu.tances.
Client: But I won’t email again. I want to get well. Please this is so important to me.
. H: What is important to you?
Client: To get well and to understand what is happening. Please I want to get better.
. H: How much influence do you have?
Client: I have a lot of influence.
. H: Do you?
Client: Yes.
. H: Were you around on Monday?
Client: I tried to be. And I was listening.
. H: Yes, but that’s not influence.
Client: But I'm learning more and more.
. H: Well you might be but the power is not in your hands.
Client: The power is in my hands.
. H: No! The power is in someone else’s hands.
Client: Please H
. H: The power is --
Client: Please give me a chance please give me a chance H.
. H: I did. I did. I have worked very hard. Lots of chances. I have worked very hard and I am so sorry
Client: No please I --
. H: I am sorry that this has happened
Client: Please one more time.
. H: No. there have been too many situations where I am given responsibility where I have to take
responsibility there is no one there taking any responsibility.
Client: I take responsibility
. H: You say that but you don’t
Client: But I do
. H: No you don’t.
Client: I do
. H: You don’t
Client: But I do now, I do now.
. H: You can’t suddenly just switch it. Because I know that won’t work.
Client: Please give me a chance to prove it to you
. H: You had a chance!
Client: No please
. H: You had a chance! I told you before exactly what would happen! I said what would happen. If I
had any more phone calls or emails the therapy will have to end. I couldn’t be clearer. I could not be clearer. It was very, very clear that I had come to the end of the line and I said this is the only way therapy can continue. And there aren’t any more.
Client: But nothing happened since. Please nothing will ever happen again.
. H: And that has happened and it was a deliberate attack on what I had said. And it has to be it cannot just be allowed to be got over and forgotten. It is a fact that I made it very, very clear that this is not going to be tolerated. I will not continue therapy if it happens again.
Client: It won’t happen again I swear to you, please don’t do it, please
. H: No! No! I'm sorry X. I have tried very, very hard but I will not continue to be abused and controlled and manipulated it is not feasible. It can’t be worked with. And I think if you found a therapist who would see you through your training then you can work with that. Without working with the inside world but I cannot do it. I cannot do it. It doesn’t make any sense to me to be working with such disturbance while you are doing the training and seeing clients. It doesn’t make any sense I can’t work with you like that. Because all the time I’m continually told I'm not supporting you. Of course I’m anxious! I see what it’s doing!
Client: But I wanted to talk to you about this today. I’m trying so hard, I’m trying. Please, I’m trying. I really need you.
Client: 8.55 Please I need you
. H: You need me so the abuser can continue
Client: No… please I need you to help me….
. H: I have been trying. X we had four years. I have been looking for an ally to work with. There is not one. Everything is destroyed.
Client: I’m here I swear to you I try so hard, I do it.
. H: I know you do. I understand that you do but I'm afraid it’s not enough. Because you can’t do it on your own
Client: I can do it
. H: Well why have you not done it before? Why does it have to wait until the threat of the end that comes to you, it is not possible X.
Client: It is
. H: No its not.
Client: H please,
. H: I'm sorry X it isn’t possible
Client: No it is possible
. H: Not with me.
. H: I think you have no idea of destructive power I think you don’t understand the real extent of it
Client: Please help me understand
. H: The only way you will ever understand is if you see the consequences of it.
Client: But I see the consequences.
. H: No you don’t. Everybody else is at fault.
Client: No I don’t blame you.
. H: But did you hear on Monday? I was blamed there was contempt for everything that I did, I was heartless, I needed to be afraid, if I wasn’t afraid I had no feelings, it was just one continual long tirade against everything
Client: But I don’t agree
. H: Well YOU might not agree but actually I can’t take any more of that. I can’t help you in that. I can’t help you if everything I do by somebody is interpreted in that way because it just destroys it. It destroys it for you it destroys it for me. We can’t do it while that is going on. It isn’t possible. We’ve tried. I’ve tried and I guess you’ve tried. But whatever else is going on inside, whoever else is in charge is much stronger than either you or I
Client: But H...on Monday you said that if I don’t mail or phone again we can try again.
. H: I said we might think about it. And I have thought about it in ter. of your training and I am not going to be used to see you through a training which is totally incompatible with the level of disturbance that is within you. And I can’t collude with that. And because of that I get berated
Client: I don’t understand what you mean
. H: Well that may be the problem. I don’t know how I can make you understand.
Client: I understand that I’ve been reading a lot and I understand but now I need to work through this. I need to work through this, please I can’t start again with another therapist. I can’t do it. Please
. H: But I can’t continue X, I’m sorry. I can’t continue it is what we said. I was very, very, very clear about it. There wasn’t a loop whole in it. I was very clear. And I was pushed to be tested! That was what the email and phone call was about. It was to test me; to see if I was going to stand firm. And I am going to stand firm.
Client: I don’t understand what is happening to you
. H: What is happening is that the abuse has gone on the contempt the abuse had gone on for such a long time that it means we can’t work therapeutically together anymore. I can’t help you. There are too many inside who hate me and who want rid of me. And who are working very hard
Client: What about us who don’t want that?
. H: Well I am sorry! I have tried I have tried to work with you but it is too strong. It is too destructive. And if there is no one inside who can work with me to help and fight this abuse
Client: I will fight it with you
. H: I don’t think you can.
Client: Yes I know you might not think but I can I really can. I fight it with you please. Please trust me I will fight it with you.
. H: How can I? How can I trust you and how can you trust me? The others, no one trust me!
Client: Please we have to we have to try to trust each other.
. H: No we don’t, there is no trust X. There is no trust because the destructive nature of what is inside that I have tried very hard –
Client: I will stop my training then.
. H: You would!? You would really?! You would actually stop your training?
Client: Yes. …yes…yes I stop my training.
. H: Well you might really need to think about what you are saying.
Client: I need to understand what is going on. I can’t stop therapy. It’s important to me.
. H: It’s important to YOU but the more it is important to you the more there is someone determined to destroy it.
Client: If I stop my training, please I try anything.
. H: Well, it may be what YOU feel and what YOU think but it is very different from the person who was here on Monday. Very, very, very different.
Client: Please give me a chance
. H: I have.
Client: Please give me one more chance
. H: I have given you so many
Client: What do you mean you have given me so many?
. H: Well most therapists would have ended the therapy when the sessions were disrupted. When you were drunk. Most therapists wouldn’t have put up with that, that would have been the end. For most therapists but I didn’t. I have put up with a great deal
Client: Yes you have
. H: And I’m not asking for gratitude, I don’t need gratitude,
Client: I know you have.
. H: I really, really wanted to help
Client: I know but I’m starting to -
. H: And everything I have tried is taken and used against me
Client: But I realised that one of my proble. is that you are human and whereas before I didn’t it was
like you were just like anything human and now I’m starting to realise. And I really have this feeling now I can’t explain it but that you are human with feelings and that—
. H: And that’s the very thing the abuser hates.
Client: But I realise that now
. H: And uses
Client: But I’m strong I am getting stronger and stronger, please
. H: But the abuse is getting more and more
Client: No its not
. H: From my point of view it is. You may not be aware of it but what is happening this end is that the complaints the grumbles the attacks are getting more and more that’s why I stopped the emails, the constant complaint, the constant grumbling about, what I didn’t do and how I didn’t do it, and what I should be and what I should be and what I was. I can’t work like that! If there isn’t anybody there who can work with me to try and understand what is going on rather than have to berate and is filled with contempt, and attack and bully and control. That isn’t therapeutic. That’s not helping you allowing that.
Client: You are right I agree. I don’t like that either. And I’m really working hard I’ve been working so hard the last few days or weeks.
. H: Yes but Monday happened, look at Monday. Monday was actually full of venom and bile that was given to me the hatred was phenomenal. Absolute pure hatred.
Client: But I can work with you against that. I’m here I can help
. H: I don’t think you can I don’t believe you are strong enough to help me against that.
Client: I can please, I live with it every day I can
. H: I know you do!
Client: I can withstand a lot of things.
. H: It’s not about withstanding it
Client: It is in a way because I’m going to fight and I can withstand it I’m not going to crumble and let it win. I can do that. I’m here. I can do it more and more. I’m growing.
. H: Well, I thought that. Once! I did really think that once. I felt a little bit of hope once that that was the case but then it went badly, badly wrong because of the training. Because I made a remark about being unsure whether you were ready to see clients yet. Which actually for a therapist to say to a patient with a very disturbed inside world is utterly appropriate. Utterly appropriate. It was doubting, yes it was doubting because there should be doubts. There should be very real doubts.
Client: Yes and the thing is I doubt myself as well
. H: But there need to be
Client: Yes I agree. And I really, really need your support. I need everyone’s support.
. H: Well it depends what you mean by support. By me saying I don’t think you are ready to see clients yet actually was me being supportive
Client: A place where I can come and talk about my training I need to talk about it.
. H: Well, yes but there was no consultation with me, there was no “H do you think I’m ready to do training, it’s a big step for me, I know it is, do you think I’m ready? “ Nothing! Absolutely nothing!
Client: Yes, I didn’t handle that well
. H: It’s not about handling it well it’s about what it shows that there is someone there who is so determined and that nothing is going to stand in her way. And I have seen that, it’s ruthless. Completely ruthless, and when you are dealing with someone who is ruthless, it is what it says, that nothing will be left in the way and you’ve seen that. You have seen that in the dealings with Mary you have seen that in dealings with F you have seen it now in dealings with me and something is getting in the way
Client: F is there again
. H: She’s there again, well that’s very good. I’m glad she is.
Client: H... please I promise you I do everything in my power just give me one more chance please I need to work through this, this is so important to me.
. H: Tell me what is important to you about it, tell me.
Client: It’s important that I don’t want to have this confusion and hatred and this negativity I don’t want to feel or act like this towards people I want to be able to in the outside world and connect to people in a good way and feel god about it.
. H: And how many inside want that? Do you know?
Client: Yes, almost all of them. That’s why I am so desperate I really want this. It’s such a bad life to live like this
. H: I know
Client: I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to be a prisoner anymore in my own self. I don’t want to be controlled by these souls or parts that want to ruin everything for me they want to scare me and ruin everything.
. H: They rule by fear and it’s very, very, very powerful
Client: Yes and I’m fighting it. A lot of us are fighting against it.
. H: How are you fighting against it?
Client: We are talking about it out loud.
. H: To each other?
Client: No to outside “No we are not bad, no we are not going to do this and no people aren’t bad.”
. H: So what happened on Monday? I didn’t see a sign of anyone there who you are talking about today.
Client: But I’m here today
. H: But there was nobody there on Monday.
Client: But I’m going to be here more and more and more now
. H: Well I’m not sure
Client: I swear it
. H: I’m just not sure that you haven’t been sent. I’m not sure that somewhere, how do I know that you are not someone who has been sent out in order to keep this going so that, how do I know that?
Client: You have to give me a chance I proof it to you.
. H: I understand what you are saying I understand what you are feeling. This is just appalling. I know it is. Quite appalling. This is not what I wanted to happen. It truly, truly isn’t.
Client: I’m growing more and more I’m so different from this other part.
. H: But it is there and it needs to be known about and owned as being part of the inside world.
Client: It is part of the inside world.
. H: You know that and you will see it and you will say it because sometimes it is as though it really doesn’t belong there somehow. As if it is made up and it’s not really there.
Client: It’s there but I fight it every time. And so do others. Every time it comes we fight it.
. H: How does it abuse you?
Client: …..It gives me images and says bad things. Bad things…..
. H: Bad things
Client: Like sexual things and violent things and it tells me that I’m this and that. And it makes me feel like people are bad and they can’t be trusted but I know they can be trusted. You can be trusted! I keep saying it all the time.
. H: So who was here on Monday then that is on the side of the abuser?
Client: I don’t know that’s what I have to find out I want to find it out. But I need to work really, really hard and find everything out that I can. And I haven’t been sent by anyone this is really what I mean I swear on X’s life. This is what I want. This is important to me. I know I don’t have this in me that shows people that I am desperate.
. H: I can hear you are desperate you are showing it I do believe that, it’s not that I don’t believe it.
Client: I haven’t been sent, I just can’t show it. I can’t show how I feel. But I try,
. H: No you are I can hear. I can hear.
Client: I will do anything I will try so hard I don’t want to live with this bully who frightens everyone I hate it. But now I’m getting stronger and stronger.
. H: But that’s what I’m saying you are getting stronger and stronger and actually what is happening here is getting more and more disturbing.
Client: Yes it was getting very disturbing but I’m here now. And I can do my best.
. H: But actually you getting stronger I haven’t seen any evidence of that.
Client: But I’m here today
. H: You are today but I am saying I have absolutely no evidence of that, can you see what I’m saying.
Client: Yes I can I totally can.
. H: Actually what has been happening here has been getting more and more disturbing and you have been telling me that you are getting stronger
Client: Well, since all this happened, it’s like I suddenly realise something about you being human and having feelings but now something has changed especially when you said you didn’t want any more emails or phone calls and it made me realise you have feelings and that you are a human being and you tried so hard and I really understand that now and I want to help.
. H: So why do you think the emails and the phone calls happened at the weekend.
Client: I’m sure there was some testing going on but I think there were also other things going on
. H: What sort of other things
Client: Because I try really hard especially the little ones I’m trying to look after them but I –
. H: What was going on at the weekend?
Client: I think they were desperate because I think the weekend was particularly difficult.
. H: Yes…..But I have also tried in ter. of ….of trying to be there for the little ones too. But that is no good being there for little ones if there is nobody inside and the more I was trying to do something for the little ones the more it felt like it was my job to be there for them with nobody else inside. It was my job. Every time I wasn’t or couldn’t or didn’t it was as though I was hating and abandoning and not doing what I was supposed to do
Client: I think that is what I mean it was like you weren’t human. I can’t explain it, but now I get sense of I need to help and I need to help you and I need to do my part in this. I need to try as hard as I can whereas before maybe I didn’t. Or couldn’t. But now I really feel differently. I don’t want – I hate it when this happens. I don’t like it.
. H: When what happens?
Client: When people I care about are attacked in this way. And all I really want to do is have a connection. And gain strength from this relationship.
. H: But the other part is so strong and so against any relationship
Client: But I’m getting stronger now I left you with it all and wanted you to sort it all out . I don’t know why
. H: Well I can see why. I can see why you would. Because it is something to take on that, the level of hatred and abuse is something that is really – why would you want to? If you could find another one to take it on why wouldn’t you want to. But it is yours it isn’t mine that’s the point. You can’t give it to me to do because it does belong to you.
Client: Yes
. H: And I can only help you see I can’t do it. It isn’t mine. It isn’t my hatred it isn’t my controlling. It isn’t
Client: I know maybe I was too scared to do anything about it before but now I’m more scared of losing this relationship and also got more awareness of you being human and something changed. I don’t know what it is but something’s changed.
. H: Well what has changed is the idea of losing your therapy
Client: I think what has changed was is when you said no more emails and no more phone calls I realised that you had feelings. More than anything that you had feelings.
. H: Well that’s a bit of a problem because the abuser loves that!
Client: What do you mean?
. H: Well the abuser likes feelings. Because if you’ve got feelings that means you have a vulnerability. The abuser just loves to sniff that out! And go at it hell to […], as you well know.
Client: Yes I know
. H: You do know.
Client: But I will fight this and everyone wants to fight it. I’m sure. Everyone who is old enough.
. H: Well that’s the thing and I’m wondering about the, how much strength there is inside really, even with my outside help. I actually don’t know that there is enough and I think that is the point. I think in some ways I understand entirely about the weekends and the difficulty for help that I actually can’t give and that is the problem.
Client: I wonder that too and if I be able to do it but I have to try
. H: But you have tried
Client: But this has changed now. Something has changed and I have to try
. H: Well maybe but in a sense it see. to me that at the weekends and the holiday breaks they are times when you can’t do it on your own and I haven’t got anything to give you at those times.
Client: I have to look for other support then I need relationship and support from other people I really do
. H: I believe you
Client: And I will get other support
. H: How will you?
Client: Support groups
. H: Will you be allowed to go?
Client: I went to Befriends before
. H: When before?
Client: When I was with Mary
. H: But not since. And did it really help?
Client: Yes I met some friends there.
. H: So what stopped you continuing?
Client: I don’t know. But I’m willing to do it again
. H: So were you not there before?
Client: Yes I was but I wasn’t really helping or trying to help, I don’t know.
. H: I’m just not sure you can help
Client: I can help
. H: You can help I’m just not sure it’s enough.
Client: But please you need to give me a chance you can see and if it’s not enough then fair enough but it is then it would be such a shame if I was actually be able to do it
. H: So tell me what you think about the training then. What do YOU think about the training,
Client: About what?
. H: Anything, tell me about your thoughts about the training.
Client: I enjoy the training and I enjoy being with people but I also know that I need a lot of support because there is a part of me that wants to rubbish everything and find things to put me down and says “you are useless and you can’t do anything” and and and gives me bad pictures and that’s difficult and I need a lot of support to kind of --
. H: What do you mean by a lot of support?
Client: Just people believing in me. It helps just having people believe in me. I can tell them “no it’s not true, I CAN do this and everyone can make mistakes” kind of it’s me against him and if its someone else, like X and he says, “no I believe in you” that is really helpful.
. H: Well it may well be helpful but it’s also ignoring something really, really important.
Client: Yes but I also need to talk about my fears.
. H: Well yes I can understand that but I think what isn’t quite understood is the impact that this training is having on some of the inside world. I don’t know about the vulnerable ones because I think the idea of looking after others when the vulnerable ones are being so badly abused and neglected is awful, absolutely awful. And I think there is a lot of energy going out into the training I understand what you are saying but it actually means that they are left again more and more with so much energy going into being “normal” means that the abnormalities, things that are so poorly inside are having to be pushed away and not known about because to be a counsellor all of those things somehow are getting pushed out.
Client: But that’s why I need the therapy
. H: “I am a normal person who can counsel and who can see clients and don’t you dare tell me otherwise!”
Client: But that’s what I mean I need this space where I can talk about these things.
. H: Well you had that for 4 years and it has not been used on the contrary the training has actually become something to increase the level of hatred about this therapeutic relationship.
Client: But it will change
. H: What in one day?!
Client: No…in the last few weeks.
. H: No it hasn’t changed in the last few weeks.
Client: Yes it has
. H: Well not from where I’m sitting.
Client: Please
. H: Not from where I’m sitting. From where I’m sitting it actually got worse. It has got worse and worse.
Client: Maybe that’s why I have changed because it got worse and then you said no more phone calls and emails and –
. H: And then there was an email of all the things, of everywhere you had to go, and what I don’t do and what I don’t say it was constant it went on and actually, you know, if that is the case then why on earth do we continue?!
Client: But this is the one who wants to sabotage everything, and I don’t like this and I totally agree that there shouldn’t be any emails and phone calls because it gets… it gets… it gets… abused.
. H: Yes! Indeed. And that is exactly what has happened!
Client: Because that is what he does.
. H: Yes. It might be a he but it is also a part of you. It is not something that is separate. It is a world that you share with
Client: I know that… and it hurts….
. H: And the abuser is sitting right in there somewhere and is listening to every word that we are saying. Every single word. And it will be stored up, turned around, the things muttered out of my mouth will be used and turned
Client: I know... my mouth as well but I’m fighting this
. H: Well I have no evidence of that. I have not one tiny piece of evidence
Client: That’s why I’m asking you to give me another chance I prove it to you
. H: But I don’t understand why you haven’t before
Client: I don’t know why. I think it is something about you being human.
. H: I don’t think that is true
Client: It is
. H: We have been here before about me having feelings or not having feelings. Today you might be thinking I have feelings by the end of the week or next week it will be different all over again. We know that because we have been here before so many times.
Client: But we have never been like this before H. This is the worst and something has changed.
. H: We can work for two months together and see what happens that’s how far I’m prepared to go for now.
Client: I don’t want this it has ruined so much of my life
. H: I know and that’s the cruelty. The cruelty is that you have to live with it and I have a choice. And that is cruel I know that. I do. And actually I don’t know how much of a choice you have
Client: Neither do I but I’m working so hard and I do the best that I can because I want more than anything I want relationships I want o feel close to people I want to be able to be with people without being told that they are bad and that I have bad things happen to me
. H: Well you may never be able to stop that entirely that may never happen that you stop being told those things. That may continue but it just depends what can be done with that.
[…]
. H: The abuser has been getting bigger and stronger and probably the abuser has been getting bigger and stronger and more determined. Probably in relation to you trying to get bigger and stronger and more determined.
Client: That’s why I need others to help me
. H: Well indeed. I know that
Client: And I do my part in this
. H: I guess that’s one of the things about where one person isn’t enough. You know, maybe, maybe it does take a clinic or something that is set up to be able to offer a level of support that I can’t give on my own. Because I am just one person. And a human being.
Client: I will look for support.
. H: Will you join a group? Will you?
Client: Yes…I will join a group. I don’t know what group. But I will join a group. I will look. I don’t know who to ask but I will google it.
. H: Well, you could ask the clinic. You could go to a befrienders group, it doesn’t have to be a specialist group. It could be a group where you could go and talk about things.
Client: The abuser?
. H: Yes, you can talk about the abuser. Because it is not an abuser that is out there dangerous and doing physical harm to people. It’s not a dangerous abuser in that respect. I have never had any fears. I told you that. I never had any fears that anything physical would happen. But it’s the emotional and mental, controlling abuse. And you know that, that’s what is the worst. It’s worse than what could be done physically isn’t it?
Client: Yes…
. H: Yes.
Client: I want to join a group. I want to be with people.
. H: Right. Well. I know that you are very good at doing research I know that. I know you have a lot of skills and you have a lot of abilities in that area. And you do and can find things out. Don’t you?
Client: I will phone the befrienders up. Tomorrow or the next day. When I get some time.
. H: And what will you do, what happens at the befrienders?
Client: They have counsellors work there --
. H: Is it Mind? Is it part of Mind?
Client: I’m not sure…
Client: And art classes and creative writing and
. H: Hmh
Client: Sometimes they go out and do things but at the time I think everyone was too scared to go out with people. But now I will feel a lot different. Now I want to go out with people. And will put a lot of effort into it. I enjoyed it but…I think I was just a bit scared.
. H: I wonder what the others think about a group.
Client: I think I’m not able to kind of maybe contain but that’s a stupid word
. H: But I know you can. You can when you are doing the training - that is the problem. You can make yourself seem very ok. You are very good at that. Very good at it. You can make people think that there is nobody else inside but you. You are very good at that.
Client: But I think I’m more able to talk internally now. And outside as well when no one is listening. But I do a lot more talking now. More explaining
. H: Well like I said to you, we will have two months. We have two months as a finishing time but we can see what happens in those two months. I’m not saying that something might not be able to renegotiated but I can’t promise. I’m actually saying you are in this finishing time to see what happens.
Client: And if I do really well in them two months?
. H: Well we will see what happens. We will see what happens. I’m not saying there is no room for renegotiation for us to talk about it but I can’t promise anything. Because we have to look at this as a really important period of time because it can’t continue as it is. It can’t. And that is not just for my benefit either. I think you underestimate really the power of that abuser.
Client: I don’t because I know it always happens with people there is something going on whenever I am with people it makes them act or something happens
. H: Hmmm!
Client: And I really want to find out what it is. I know it’s really powerful but I don’t know what it is exactly I’m getting closer to it but I don’t really know what it is exactly and how it was created. I want to understand how it was created.
. H: I’m sure you do. And I’m sure there is lots you want. But I am saying the power of it is quite phenomenal and I understand what you’re saying that you want things to be different I do understand that.
Client: I want it more than anything,
. H: I can see that and I do believe you but I also know from a lot of experience that I had, with you, I don’t mean other experience, the experience I had now, that I have become very familiar with the abuser and believe me it has become much, much more active in the last few months.
Client: That’s probably because I wasn’t there really. But I am now. I am.
. H: But you know why you weren’t there? Because that’s what's important
Client: Because I think I just, it does have something to do with the humanness. I don’t know what exactly it is but I realised something. But then I think something else happened as well. I think I didn’t want to deal with maybe I didn’t want to take him on or whatever it is I don’t know. Now I do
. H: Except that you don’t really know what you are taking on. That’s what you just said. I think you don’t have any idea what you are taking on
Client: I’m taking on a constant attack whenever possible.
. H: But when you said just now you didn’t know what happens to people, can you see that constant attack that is aimed at you is also aimed outside? You might not be aware of it and you might think it’s just you but actually maybe it isn’t always. But I think there is a real high tolerance of the abuser’s hatred and bullying and controlling on the inside world because it has been there so long that everybody is so used to it.
Client: Yes it’s like they have given up.
. H: Yes.
Client: Everybody is used to it this is how life is
. H: Yes and I don’t want that anymore. And he is accepted inside. He is part of the world. He is part of the inside world. And he rules it he rules it!
Client: It’s like everyone just kind of gave up and accepted it but now something has changed. Like no I don’t want this to happen and I am going to fight it and I am going to do all I can now because something has changed. And I will find support for myself during the week and holidays. I go to a group that is for counsellors but its more like a social kind of thing…
. H: But you need a place to go to take your disturbance as well as your professional, that’s where you most need it.
Client: Yes that is what I’m trying to do. I have looked for groups already but they were all in London and I thought maybe you know --
. H: You won’t […]. Mind has groups and the befrienders, but Mind has groups where your disturbances would be quite ok, you could talk about whatever you wanted to .
Client: I phone them up today.
. H: But it’s being able to accept somewhere too that whilst there is the training […] along side that there is this huge disturbance and hatred and abuser and controller and a vulnerability alongside that
Client: I know because it’s there.
. H: 1.05 I know! It goes with you everywhere all the time
Client: Yes and I constantly have to… not constantly but I’m aware when it comes and then I have to say no or --
. H: I don’t think you can always control it. That’s the thing isn’t it. It’s not always controllable.
Client: But I .. I .. will try my best now.
. H: Well. I know I can hear that and I don’t dispute that.
Client: I hate my parents.
. H: Well. That’s something that can’t be changed.
Client: But I have never hated them before...and I hate them for leaving me with this.
. H: You HAVE hated them before. You HAVE told me that before. There are some that don’t hate, there are some that love the abuse. There is a lot going on that perhaps is not very clear to you too.
Client: But I want to find it out. I don’t want to put my head in the sand anymore. I want to find it out.
. H: It is going to be very, very painful. It’s going to be really painful to see just as it was right now when I said the abuser is part of you.
Client: I know that…
. H: Well. We will have two months to see what can happen in those two months. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Its […] but it’s going to be real. To do with a real desire to be seen. To find a different way other than [..] abuse and hatred.
Client: And can I still say what the abuser is telling me?
. H: Yes of course!
Client: I'm scared that if I tell you now ---
. H: No I need to know everything!
Client: I’m scared that if I tell you ---
. H: No! No that’s not it! You can tell me what the abuser is saying to you. It’s when the abuser is allowed a free rein --
Client: But if I tell you now what the abuser says or does then I’m scared you might think that you might say the abuser is too powerful.
. H: No! You can tell me anything. In fact you must! That’s the point. The more you can talk about it the less power it will have.
Client: So I can tell you what the abuser is saying?
. H: You can tell me everything that is going on inside X; it’s when you don’t talk about it that it gets acted out.
Client: And I can say to you how the abuser feels about you?
. H: Yes absolutely.
Client: But that doesn’t mean that I feel like that about you
. H: No no! It’s very different. You can tell me anything. Absolutely anything about what the abuser is saying and the more you talk about it the less it will be acted out.
Client: He is gone now.
. H: Sorry? He’s gone now?
Client: I’m going to spend every day fighting it
. H: Well. I’m not sure, it’s not just about fighting it. It’s about challenging it in order to, it’s about daring to see what is going on.
Client: Am I still allowed to say could you please turn around when I’m going?
. H: Of course you can do all of those things. That doesn’t change. That hasn’t changed. But we do have two months to work with to see what's going to happen. I’m not saying that therapy can continue indefinitely, I’m not saying that
Client: What does that mean?
. H: It means that we are in an ending period of two months because of what's happened but if you are telling me that you truly believe that something has changed and that something can be different I’m prepared in those two months to work together. There is nothing to lose now! There’s really nothing to lose! You haven’t got to be careful or anything like that it’s not about being careful here it’s about just letting, being as honest and open as you can about what is going on in the inside world. Not hiding things, not stopping yourself from saying things in here cos there is nothing to lose! Really! You might just as well go for it now! Tell me anything that you like that’s going on. Everything. All the abuser’s thoughts about me and about anybody else’s.
Client: The abuser…
. H: Sorry?
Client: Is hissing at you…
. H: Yes. Right. I’m sure. I’m sure the abuser is hissing at me.
Client: But I said it…
. H: You said it, exactly. You said it.
Client: And you can’t … and the abuser can’t…win…..Because I am going to expose…
. H: Right. That’s. It. It will take a lot of courage for you, if you can and that is what we will have to see if it’s possible.
Client: Would you turn around please…
. H: Ok.
END
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